Do I Often Come Across As Complaining?

Progress will come slowly, but you will eventually experience the reward of your efforts. How has my speech or behavior condemned something that my spouse values as being significant? His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If you can discover the emotions inside your uncommunicative spouse and the factors that give rise to these emotions, you will be well on your way to helping your spouse to break his or her silence. Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me? Consider the five specific questions in Meeting Your Spouse’s Basic Needs. A positive answer to one of these questions may uncover your spouse’s unmet needs and thus the source of his or her silence. Your challenge will be to find a way to help your spouse meet that emotional need, and at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own emotional needs met. With that in mind, answer the following questions as honestly as you can. How have I kept my spouse from fulfilling his or her need for recreation and relaxation? Negative communication patterns can silence a spouse. The solution is to change those patterns. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether your conversations with your spouse are negative. Do I often come across as complaining? When my spouse talks, do I cut him off and give my responses? Do I force the issue of communication with my spouse, even in those times when she needs to be alone? Do I broadcast our private conversations to others? Do I openly share my own needs and desires as demands? When my spouse shares an opinion that differs from mine, am I quick to set him straight? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, it may be time for you to change a negative communication pattern.

Let's Work Together

Changing these patterns may be difficult, but it is the way toward loosening the tongue of your noncommunicative spouse. One of the best ways to change negative communication patterns is to develop the art of listening. If you exhibit the sincere desire to understand your spouse through listening, you will enhance the climate of open communication. There are many ways you can communicate, I care about what you say just by listening. All these actions communicate, Your words matter to me. To receive your spouse’s ideas as information rather than as an opinion that you must correct creates an atmosphere of acceptance. Learning to control your anger and to hear your spouse out also enhances communication. Loud, angry outbursts almost always stop the flow of communication. Practice reflective listening, reflecting back your spouse’s words in your own words. All of us are more likely to communicate our inner thoughts and feelings if we believe that someone genuinely wants to hear what we want to say and will not condemn us. Another way to become an agent of positive change with a noncommunicating spouse would be to read or attend a course at a local college or church on the art of communication. But don’t wait for him or her to join you.

Out Of Touch

Obviously, whatever you have tried in the past to help your spouse communicate has not worked. It’s time to take a new approach. Put the principles of reality living to work in your marriage. I don’t know how anyone with your education could be as stupid as you are. You must have cheated to get your degree. If I were as stupid as you, I don’t think I would get out of bed in the mornings. The words seemed to beat upon Betty incessantly. This wasn’t the first time Betty had heard such insults from her husband, Ron. The tragedy was that she had come to believe them. She was suffering from severe depression that literally kept her in bed most days. She was the victim of verbal abuse. We have long known the devastation of physical abuse in a marriage relationship.

Move On Out

Most of us lose our temper sometimes and may say harsh, cutting words that we later regret. But if we are spiritually and emotionally mature, we acknowledge that this is inappropriate behavior. We express sorrow and ask forgiveness of our spouse, and the relationship finds healing. The verbal abuser, on the other hand, seldom asks for forgiveness or acknowledges that the verbal tirades are inappropriate. Typically, the abuser will blame the spouse for stimulating the abuse. She got what she deserved is the attitude of the abuser. Verbal abuse is warfare that employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. The verbal bombardment can be stimulated by almost anything. A look, a tone of voice, a broken dish, or a crying baby can all pull the trigger on the arsenal of the verbal abuser. The verbally abusive spouse is out to punish, belittle, and control his or her partner. He or she does it compulsively and constantly, showing little empathy for the feelings of the spouse. Those who have been verbally abused over long periods of time often say, My emotions are dead. He would always notice little things and then fly off the handle. If he saw that I put the roll of toilet paper on the holder with the paper going over rather than under, he’d lose it. It was always doing silly things. I tried arguing, I tried crying, I tried threatening divorce. Nothing seemed to get his attention. He blamed me for everything. It was always my fault. I don’t know what else to do. Is there hope for Judith and thousands of other spouses who suffer the barrage of verbal attacks as a way of life? I believe there is, but that hope will not come in the form of a magic wand.