In All My Romantic Relationships

It helped so much to learn that early interactions I had as a baby and young child established these energetic patterns in my nervous system that were showing up in my love life. The key to this for me was understanding that I was attached, and the patterns were playing out in all my romantic relationships. This relationship style is rooted in deep insecurity and often manifests in a kind of addiction to love. A good indication that we’re stuck in this type of relationship is when we know it’s hurting us, but we stay trapped in it anyway or keep attracting the same type of relationship, leaving us confused and drained. Confronting this meant getting real about the fact that trying to use romantic relationships to fix what I felt was broken in me, or to complete me, had only led me deeper into disappointment and misery. I needed to slow down, gather trustworthy support around me, and spend time healing the anxiety that my parents, with all good intentions, had hardwired inside me. This isn’t about blaming our parents for anything. The best they could with what they received. It requires parents who can see and be fully present for us as we are, even when we are angry or sad. They also need to be loving and curious about who we are becoming by supporting all aspects of our selves. They are really seeing us, they are good at reflecting our inner state to us and are equipped to repair the mistakes they might have made. All of this creates safety for us to grow into our authentic self with confidence.

Kicked In The Teeth

These experiences with our parents are literally building our brains in ways that will support us being able to have relationships that feel just this fulfilling when we’re ready for friendship and then romance. Perhaps most important is that we are also internalizing them as ongoing companions who form the core of an inner community that will nurture us throughout our lives. Many parents simply didn’t get what they needed to be able to provide this kind of safety for us. We internalize them, we also take in their anxiety or anger or absence. Then it’s up to us to get serious about the repair work. I have to say this process of healing was the most difficult thing I have ever done. The biggest catalyst for doing this work was the end of my first marriage. I faced a lot of loneliness, confusion, and fear as I challenged myself to be okay with being single. What I didn’t realize is that the relationship was uncovering my deep subconscious wounds so I could heal them. During this time, I started to seek emotionally present friendships, leaning on the friends who were warm and consistent. This helped me feel supported while I worked on repairing my inner world. Their care gave me the safety I needed to do the work and also helped to calm my nervous system.

Put Blinders On

I know that I internalized them because I can feel their kindhearted support like a community as I write this. And slowly, as I healed, I didn’t lose myself in romantic love the way I had. This process has led to a sense of inner calm, stability, awareness of my needs, and trust in myself that I never imagined was possible. Eventually, it led me to a loving partner with whom I have formed a more secure attachment. In the container of this new relationship, I began to integrate all my growth and newfound awareness, allowing us to reach deeper layers of truly fulfilling intimacy. This will allow us to develop wisdom and compassion for the parts of our selves that we may have wanted to disown. This awareness and acceptance becomes the foundation for change. We’ll begin by looking at two attachment styles, each developed in childhood, that leave people with different patterns of relating as adults, especially in their closest relationships. Some people have developed an anxious attachment style like the one I described in myself. This is different than the feelings we all have at the beginning of a new relationship. Because everything is new and unknown, the dynamics don’t always surface in the beginning. Each person is going through a lot of different feelings, and it makes sense that at times we are all left questioning if it’s really safe to let go and be vulnerable.

A Taste of Honey

It can be confusing because the relationship can start out feeling blissful and exciting until intimacy fears surface and our core wounds are activated, leaving us feeling lost and bewildered. Anxious stems from a deep sense of inner instability where old wounds make people anticipate that they will be abandoned again and again. Underneath all those behaviors are feelings of terror and a desperate need to keep this person close and attentive. Turbulent, painful, and ultimately unsustainable relationships. Avoidant attachment is also rooted in early childhood experiences with parents who weren’t present for us or able to offer enough emotional support, but avoidants developed a different coping mechanism. Seeing that it was dangerous to depend on others in a relationship, avoidant types learned to protect themselves by staying distant from intimacy. They are often dedicated to their careers and tend to back away when closeness threatens. Criticism of their partners can give them reasons for ending the relationship. While this is not my style of attaching, I have had lots of experience being on the receiving end. We focus on these two because they are often attracted to each other like a moth to a flame. Compassion tends to blossom when we get a real taste of how the behaviors we may dislike the most in ourselves were absolutely essential for staying attached to those who were most central in our lives. These early losses lead to core wounds that we may not be consciously aware of, but drive us to continue the patterns as we grow into adulthood.