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Demolishing this emotional wall is essential for rebuilding a desperate marriage. All spouses influence each other every day with attitudes and actions. Every action you take and every word you speak influences your spouse for better or for worse. This means that your spouse’s words and behavior may cause you tremendous pain, hurt, or discouragement. But this reality also means that through positive actions and words, you can influence your spouse toward positive change. Over the years, I have tested this reality with numerous individuals in troubled marriages. When one spouse willingly chooses a positive attitude that leads to positive actions, the change in his or her partner is often radical. One woman said, I can’t believe what has happened to my husband since I have tried to respond to him with positive words and actions. I never dreamed that he could be as loving and kind as he has been for the last two months. This is more change than I ever anticipated. The reality of the power of positive influence holds tremendous potential for desperate marriages. In the last three decades, Western society has given an undue emphasis to human emotions. 
Got To Begin Again
In fact, we have made emotions our guiding star. If I feel hurt and angry, I would be hypocritical to say or do something kind to my spouse. This philosophy fails to reckon with the reality that human beings are more than their emotions. In response to what you experience through the senses, you have thoughts, feelings, desires, and actions. In your thoughts, you interpret what you experience through the five senses. Emotions will accompany your thoughts. Believing that your spouse is lazy, you may feel disappointment, anger, and frustration. In response to thoughts and feelings, you have desires. The dirty dishes may create a desire within you to give your spouse a lecture on irresponsibility. Based on your thoughts, emotions, and desires, you eventually take action. If you allow your negative emotions and desires to control your actions, you will typically make the situation worse, because your actions will be negative, which in turn will stimulate a negative response in your spouse. If, on the other hand, you take a reasoned approach and ask yourself, What is the best thing to do in this situation? you are far more likely to take positive action. No Line on the Horizon
If you allow your negative emotions to control your behavior, you will feel even more negative. Those who say it is hypocritical to take positive action when they have negative feelings are operating on the assumption that the true self is determined by emotions. I am suggesting that is a false premise, and to the degree that it has permeated Western thinking, it has been detrimental to family relationships. In other areas of life, you often go against your emotions. For example, if you got out of bed only on the mornings that you felt like getting out of bed, you would have bedsores. The fact is, almost every morning you go against your feelings, get up, do something, and later feel good about having gotten out of bed. The same principle is true in relationships. You can learn to acknowledge your negative emotions but not to follow them. You should not deny that you feel disappointed, frustrated, angry, hurt, apathetic, or bitter, but you can refuse to let those emotions control your actions. You can choose the higher road by asking such questions as, What is best? You can allow your actions to be controlled by these noble thoughts. Taking such positive actions holds the potential for bringing healing to a relationship and restoring positive feelings in your marriage. I am not suggesting that emotions are unimportant. A Brand New Day
They are indicators that things are going well or not so well in a relationship. Positive emotions encourage you to positive actions. Negative emotions conversely encourage you toward negative actions. But if you understand that negative actions will make things worse and positive actions hold the potential for making things better, you will always choose the high road. Your own emotions always influence you, but you do not need to let them control you. This reality has profound implications for a desperate marriage. It means that you can do and say positive things to your spouse in spite of the fact that you have strong negative emotions. To take such positive actions does not deny that your marriage is in serious trouble. It means that you choose to take steps that hold potential for positive change rather than allowing negative behavior to escalate. One husband said, My wife has disappointed me so much and hurt me so deeply that I have no desire to do anything good for her. He is stating clearly his emotional state and his lack of desire for positive action. He was not being hypocritical when he added, But understanding the power of positive actions, I will choose to wash and vacuum her car because I know that is something she would like for me to do. One positive action does not heal the hurt of a lifetime, but it is a step in the right direction. A series of positive actions holds the potential for turning the tide in a desperate marriage. Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure. Most desperate marriages include a stone wall between husband and wife, built over many years. Each stone represents an event in the past where one of them has failed the other. These are the things people talk about when they sit in the counseling office. She has failed to give me any words of appreciation and affirmation for my hard work. He often ignores me when he comes home, and he expects me to be a slave around the house while he watches football on television. Each spouse recounts what the other has done to make the marriage miserable. Destroying the wall requires both individuals to admit that they are imperfect and have failed each other.