Restoration Is Not Always Possible

Verbalizing the hurt and anger to another person is a healthy way of working through the anger to a positive resolution. Verbally expressing your hurt and anger to the unfaithful spouse is a healthy way of processing anger. Be aware that you statements tend not only to condemn but also to incite further negative reactions from your spouse. If, for example, you use the following statements, they will tend to incite battle rather than understanding. It is better if you can express your anger with I statements rather than you statements, which can sound accusing and provoke a defensive or aggressive response. Any recovery requires that your spouse hear and understand the depth of your hurt and anger. Another way of processing your anger and hurt is to share it with a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor. On the other hand, there are many negative responses to anger that complicate the problem. If in your anger you start throwing glasses and dishes, you may not only physically hurt your spouse and be liable for physical abuse, but you may destroy some of your prized possessions. If this is done in the presence of children, you also give them a visual image of a mother or father out of control. This image is extremely difficult for children to process. Such angry outbursts accompanied by physical threats or actions may land you in jail and further compound your problems.

No Ordinary Pain

Any effort at revenge is doomed to failure. Retaliation is another common but very negative response to an unfaithful spouse. Such retaliation may involve going out and having an affair yourself to show your unfaithful spouse what it feels like to be betrayed. Other vengeful tactics are to go to her place of work and cause a scene with angry shouting and yelling. These tactics are juvenile and detrimental as well as being unlawful. Any effort at revenge is doomed to failure. Returning wrong for wrong simply makes the other person feel less guilty and tends to stimulate within him or her the desire to return fire for fire. Thus the problem escalates rather than finds resolution. These questions and decisions are best made with the help of a professional counselor or a trusted friend, who can help both of you think clearly about the best steps to take. Sometimes the erring spouse will not be willing to go for counseling. If your spouse is not willing to deal with the situation, you must deal with your own emotions and your own decisions. You are far more likely to make wise decisions if you get the help of someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation.

Enough Is Enough

If not, what is holding you back? If you go for counseling, your spouse may eventually join you, even if he or she is reluctant to do so in the beginning. If he or she never joins you, you can walk the road of reality living, and whether or not the marriage is restored, you can live a better life in the future than you have lived in the past. In my opinion, restoration is the goal toward which you should work when your spouse has been unfaithful. But obviously, restoration is not always possible. Your spouse may actually break off that relationship but later begin another relationship. You cannot make someone deal with his or her problems, but you can deal with your own problems. The challenge of reality living is to take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions and to seek to do the most constructive thing in life’s difficult situations. This is the best approach for your own mental and spiritual health. It has the added possibility of stimulating positive change in the life of your spouse. Depending on one’s personality, an offended spouse may feel many different responses. In truth, few things damage marital intimacy more than alcoholism. The answer lies in the behavior that grows out of substance abuse.

Gone, Gone, Gone

The substance abuser lives in an egocentric world. In a sense, that is true of all of us, but it is profoundly true of the substance abuser. The pattern of behavior brings destructive traits to the marital relationship. What are these destructive traits? The most serious is dishonesty. In her effort to hide her addiction, the abuser becomes a master of deceit. Such deceit is the antithesis of intimacy. It builds walls between marital partners. Other aspects of the alcoholic behavioral pattern include an unwillingness to face conflict, emotional distance from the marriage partner, lack of empathy, and what appears to be a disinterest in the spouse. The addict’s addiction makes her insensitive to the feelings of those who care for her. The addict’s highest priority in life is using the addicting substance. She will stop at nothing to feed the addiction. Even though she knows that her use of drugs or alcohol causes her spouse deep pain, she continues the practice and is willing to let her spouse suffer. While under the influence, addicts often engage in behavior that ultimately destroys the marriage. Physical and emotional neglect and abuse are also characteristic of those under the influence. Even when he is not abusive, his talk and behavior may evoke disgust, pity, and anger in the heart of the spouse. Life with a substance abuser makes marital intimacy seem impossible. She shared with me that her husband, Dan, drank some before they got married, but after marriage his drinking became a bigger part of his life. For the past ten years, his alcoholism had been tearing their marriage apart. Seeing her husband drunk was disappointment enough for Barbara, but the verbal abuse that Dan inflicted on her when he was under the influence of alcohol made the situation almost unbearable. This was compounded by the fact that his alcoholism made it difficult for him to hold a job. Dan’s pattern was to start a new job, express his excitement about it, and renew his commitment to be a success this time.