The Things That I Respected About Him

Everyone thinks that we have a perfect marriage. Finally, he let his love for her help him to believe in her and encourage her in her hard work of facing the abuse. Justin came to learn that while he could not change Sarah, he could definitely influence her. He exerted that influence by encouraging her to pursue counseling. He indicated that, at first, Sarah was reluctant to share all the details of her abuse with the counselor. She didn’t want to dig back into the pain of those experiences, but the counselor assured her that this was necessary for genuine healing, and that for so many years she had covered her pain by pretense. That pain had never been extracted, the counselor said, and talking about it in the counseling setting was the best way to extract it and find genuine healing. The counselor helped Sarah understand that her father was responsible for this act, and that as a child, none of the responsibility was hers. With the counselor, she came to understand and work through her many conflicting emotions about her father. She recognized that her attitude toward her father was affecting her relationship with Justin. She could learn to accept responsibility for her attitude toward her father, and she realized her attitude and her emotions toward him did not need to control her actions in her marriage. Since her father was deceased, the counselor helped her symbolically confront him with what had happened.

It Won't Last Long

She was able to admit her imperfections in reacting to the abuse but also understand that she was not a failure because she reacted the way she did. In Justin’s own words, Beginning with holding hands and progressing to warm hugs, we have moved down the road. I have tried not to push her and to be understanding when the progress sometimes seems slow. I believe that things will get better as we continue to learn and grow. I just wanted you to know that your seminar was the beginning of our healing. Justin’s letter is a clear reminder that indeed love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world. Justin’s and Sarah’s love for each other gave them the desire and stamina to overcome her abusive past. Justin’s letter is just the kind of encouragement that keeps marriage enrichment leaders motivated. If so, how will you begin the process? I want to make several observations about the progress that Justin and Sarah made. Second, both partners must be willing to break the silence and talk to someone outside the marriage about the problem. Sarah had tried this several years earlier when she shared her history with Justin, and together they shared it with a pastor. A trained counselor can have a key role.

Hold On To This Hope

She was a beautiful young lady from a fine Southern home. Her parents were pillars in the community, and her life was a picture of success. At least that was the way it appeared. But in my office, her beautiful face was streaked with rivulets of tears. We’ve been married for six years, she said. Brent seems to have no interest at all. For a while it didn’t bother me because I thought it would change, but now I don’t think it will. I want to have intimacy in my marriage, and I don’t want to leave Brent, but I don’t know what to do. We’ve talked about it a few times, and he’s told me not to worry about it, but I do worry about it. It’s just not right. Something is wrong, and I don’t know what to do about it. In coming to me, Betsy was taking the first step in reality living.

Coming In From The Cold

She was going against her emotions of fear in reaching out for help. I commended her for taking this brave step and assured her that I would help her take additional steps in her efforts to be an agent of positive change in her marriage. During our ensuing dialogue, she recounted her relationship with Brent before marriage. We met only a year before we got married. He is the only man I ever really loved. He hugged and kissed me with passion. It was one of the things that I respected about him. After marriage, did he continue to kiss and hug you? I asked. But we never had intercourse. He always said, Let’s take it slow. That was fine with me at first, but it never went beyond hugging and kissing, and eventually even that stopped. Chapman, Brent is a wonderful husband. We really have a good marriage except for this one area. After six years of marriage, I said, I think it’s rather obvious that this problem is not going to take care of itself, and I think you are wise to be reaching out for help. However, we can’t get very far without Brent’s cooperation. I want to suggest that you go home and, within the next two or three days, tell Brent that you’ve been thinking a lot about your marriage and that in many ways he is the most wonderful husband you could imagine. I’ve asked him before. I know he won’t go for counseling. I’m sure you are right, but he can’t keep you from going. What you are doing is informing Brent of the steps that you are taking. He can never say that you went behind his back. You are telling him your motivation up front. You are probably right that he will not be willing to come with you. At any rate, call my office and make another appointment. Let Brent know when you are seeing me, and again invite him to go with you. If he is still unwilling, then you come alone. Now that he knows you have come to see me, it will give me the freedom to call him after our next session and let him know that you have shared with me something of the problem in your marriage.