Was This Really The Case?

We do not want to repeat the mistakes of our parents. Robert felt he was married to an irresponsible wife. Suzanne’s irresponsibility created a barrier to marital intimacy. Elaine, Becky, and Robert all felt frustrated, hurt, angry, resentful, and miserable. They felt that they had tried, really tried, to work out their marital problems. They realized that their efforts had not always been positive and that, in fact, sometimes their efforts had compounded the problem. But they all were sincere in their efforts. When they arrived in my office, they had little hope. Their emotions said, Get out. Some of their friends had offered the recommendation. Yet, for various reasons, they did not want to give up on their marriages. Let me share with you the approach I took in helping these people become agents of positive change when seemingly irresponsible behaviors threatened their desperate marriages.

Where Is the Love?

You must make sure that the problem really is lack of responsibility. Elaine, Becky, and Robert all complained that their spouses were irresponsible. Was this really the case? Realize that your perception of reality is always colored by your own personality, values, and desires. Sometimes what you perceive is not objective reality. Now let’s consider Becky’s husband’s supposed irresponsibility. David had one very responsible job and was a good provider for the family. Becky’s concern was that he took no initiative in other areas of the marriage. And in what areas is he or she irresponsible? She could have gotten the Creative Mother of the Year award for the kind of educational experiences she gave her children. She had demonstrated her ambition before marriage by being the number one salesperson for her company. Now she was turning her energies toward parenting. Keeping the house in order was not high on her priority list, although she did work at making the house safe for the children. He can take care of himself.

An Ordinary World

She could not understand Robert’s concern. We had agreed that I would quit work to take care of the children, she said. I think I’m doing a good job. Why is he upset, and why is he calling me irresponsible? Elaine, on the other hand, was married to a husband who was basically irresponsible in all areas of life. Bill did not maintain a regular job and thus did not carry his load in financial provision, nor did he help around the house or spend much time with their two children. Bill was not carrying his part of the load in any area of life. In what areas are you responsible? And in what areas are you irresponsible? It is helpful to clarify the problem in any desperate marriage. It should be obvious that Elaine’s problem with Bill is quite different from Becky’s problem with David and Robert’s problem with Suzanne. Thus their actions, designed to stimulate positive change, will need to be different. You are not likely to take the right actions without this insight. Let’s assume that your husband really has little ambition. He shows no interest in fathering or being a husband.

Chip Away The Stone

What lies behind this seeming lack of ambition? Understanding the source of his behavior is a part of finding the cure. Let me suggest four possible sources. First, he may be following the model of his father. Look at his father’s lifestyle. Is your husband simply doing what he learned from his father? We are all influenced by the model of our parents. Many men enter marriage and simply repeat the husband/father style that they have observed in their own fathers. On the other hand, your husband may be rebelling against the model of his father. Maybe his father was a workaholic, and he was never there for his son. His mother often complained about his father’s work. So, as a young man, the husband decided that work was bad and that he would never repeat his father’s mistake. He is rebelling against his father’s model. Many of us are keenly aware of our parents’ failures. Some of us consciously or subconsciously are trying hard to be different. Often these efforts lead us to the other extreme. The son of a workaholic father may become irresponsible in his work patterns. At the root of many unambitious spouses is pure and simple selfishness. Perhaps his parents gave him few responsibilities growing up. He is a taker but not a giver. He has never learned to provide for others. His life has centered in others providing for him. Fourth, your husband’s behavior may be an expression of his resentment toward you. Whatever you want, he will lean in the opposite direction. If you are asking him to do things around the house, he will put them off because in his mind you do not deserve his help. He will likely see your requests as nagging or criticism. His only assertiveness is in making sure that he does not do anything you request. In some area of life, he does not feel that you are meeting his needs. His lack of responsibility toward you is designed to draw attention to his own unmet needs. These are not the only possibilities, but they are four common sources of irresponsibility. The more clearly you can understand the source of your spouse’s irresponsibility, the more likely you are to determine positive steps that you can take to stimulate constructive change. He grew up with an alcoholic father who often told him that he would never amount to anything, who regularly criticized him and put down his efforts. Bill had shared all of this with Elaine when they were dating. He was attracted to her because she gave him positive affirmation. She told him how wrong his father was. Finally, Bill had met someone who believed in him and loved him. He responded by doing things that pleased her. He sent her flowers and cards, something she had always associated with love. It is not hard to understand how the two of them fell in love.