What Will People Think?

It’s not easy for you to change. If it were, you would have changed years ago. Phillip didn’t press the issue, but he did tell Sally that he appreciated her seeing him tonight and it was good to talk with her. They went to their separate cars and drove away in opposite directions. Sally always insisted that there was no hope. Finally, one night she said, Phillip, if you are really serious, then I am going to suggest that you get counseling from someone who understands how to work with people who have controlling personalities, because even after all of our talks, I don’t think you understand what I am saying. But in a few weeks, he was discovering things about himself that he had never known, and he was beginning to understand why Sally had felt so controlled and oppressed. In due time, he was not only apologizing to his wife, but he was also sharing with her his insights about himself, and he was acknowledging that now he finally understood why she had taken the steps she had taken. He realized how oppressive his behavior had become. He told her that he would never try to force her to come back but that he would like to ask that they do some marriage counseling and see if there was any possibility of rebuilding their marriage. After two weeks of thought, prayer, and talking with her own counselor, Sally agreed to begin marriage counseling. Seven months later, she and Phillip reaffirmed their vows to each other, and she moved back home.

Always Suffering

She had no sense that she was capitulating, nor did she have the sense that she had won a victory over Phillip. She did, however, have a deep confidence that, together, they had discovered not only the problems in their desperate marriage but also answers. Both of them had grown tremendously through the process, and she had every confidence that life together would be different in the future. All of this happened ten years ago, and Phillip and Sally now agree that it has been the happiest ten years of their lives. Neither of them is anticipating retirement. They are seeking to make the most of each day in their mutually supportive marriage. Did Phillip lose his dominating personality? The answer is no, but he now understands it and understands that he must control his natural desires to dominate. He is also sensitive to how his actions affect others, especially Sally. It is not his desire to control her. She now has the freedom to share her emotions with him, and if some statement or action on his part stimulates a sense of control within her, she can share this with Phillip without fear of his response. She can predict that he will say, Tell me about it. I want to understand what you are thinking and feeling.

Don't Worry About A Thing

They are discovering how fulfilling a relationship can be when two people learn to respect each other, acknowledge differences, have genuine concern for the feelings and thoughts of the other, and seek to work together as a team for their mutual benefit. Let me make two important observations about Sally’s actions. Before taking the step to leave Phillip, she had been in counseling for four months. She shared with the counselor all the pain, frustration, and ambivalent feelings she had experienced through the years. She was now emotionally strong enough to apply the principles of reality living. She took responsibility for her own attitude and realized that the way she thought would influence her actions. She knew that she could not change him but she could influence him. All of her efforts at talking to him had been futile. She did not know that he would respond positively to her leaving, but she knew that she had to make that effort. She understood that her actions should not be controlled by her emotions. Her strongest emotion was fear. How will this affect the children? What will people think? Can I make it financially? If she had listened to her emotions, she would not have taken the hard step of tough love, but she knew that her emotions did not control her.

Sailing To The Moon

She also acknowledged that she had not been a perfect wife and knew that her own imperfections did not mean that she was a failure or that her desperate marriage was her fault. Leaving Phillip was the most loving thing she knew to do. She prayed that the results would be positive. Most spouses who have lived with a highly controlling person for a long period of time will need the guidance of a counselor to take the kind of steps that Sally took. My second observation is that a highly controlling person who has dominated a spouse for many years does not change quickly. Even after Sally left, Phillip’s early efforts were at manipulating her into coming home. At this point, he had almost no understanding of the problem. If there is a problem, let’s fix it. Sally did not yield to this pressure and gave him no hope of coming back. She had no assurance that Phillip would eventually understand and deal with his problem, but she knew that she could not settle for anything less than radical healing of the relationship. Let’s look first at two common negative approaches, which people take to a controlling spouse. The first approach is the power play game. The attitude is Two people can play this game. The more the controller argues, the more you argue. No one ever wins, but the power play goes on. When the argument is over, you try to stay as uninvolved as possible over the next few days. Eventually, there is another power play, and the arguing continues. The attitude is, I yield to the controller and avoid conflict. The motto is Peace at Any Price. This essentially renders you a slave to the controller’s demands. It simply plays out the battle inside you.