You Feel A Sense Of Panic Rising Up

Choose words that mean something to you but make a commitment to using the exact same words or phrases each time Fear and its cronies are about to strike. If you are honest with yourself, you may be feeling hurt over someone you barely knew, and so actually, you really don’t know what may be going on in their lives or the real reason they ghosted you. If it is too much to swap a negative thought for a positive one, then just use a simple phrase or word which you can repeat silently in your head until the negative stuff has passed. You can even come up with your own affirmation which you repeat every time fear, and its friends, come along. I am loved, just the way I am. You feel a sense of panic rising up to your throat and feel the urge to run away. You will likely feel a bit odd when you first try it and perhaps even struggle to believe it can work, but the more you practise it, the more natural it will feel and before long, it will be your automatic response when you can hear and feel fear and its unwelcome companions knocking on the door of your mind. Disarming your fear, just like disarming your Inner Critic, is proven to work. But it may take time and patience. It can also help if you are able to discern a little more about why fear has shown up again, and to do this, we will now take a look at some of the key fears that can not only stop us in our tracks, but block any kind of forward movement toward a brighter future. Rejection is painful and just as painful as any physical wound. Now let’s look at what happens when we are reeling from the pain of this kind of rejection.

A Higher Place

It is as if this painful rejection has opened the doors in your mind to a free for all and these two are at the front of the line to get in. If your heart has been broken and you are devastated by feelings of rejection, you may be angry and bitter that this has happened to you. Oh, I know, says Inner Critic, Let’s play the blame game. Well, says Fear. Your Inner Critic is nodding and together they are about to put out the bunting because once again, not only have you demonstrated how useless you are when left to your own devices, you’ve also opened that closed door, let these two back in, and shown how much you need their protection. Now look, says Inner Critic, adopting a soft, nurturing tone as they wipe away your tears. We all make mistakes, it’s just that yours are always worse than anyone else’s. But don’t worry because my good friend Fear is here, and so together we can make sure this never happens to you again. Ok? That’s right, says Fear, puffing out his/her/their chest with pride. You’re safe with us. We won’t allow this to happen again. Like a little magic trick.

Not A Second Time

But while Fear and Inner Critic crack open the canned cocktails, you are quietly sobbing in the corner of the room. It’s true, you tell yourself, you are safe and cosy in your lonely comfort zone. Get up out of that corner, take back your power, and get back out there again. The good news about this is that this means you are also the person who can get them back in their respective stations and tethered back up again and the way you do this is really, really easy. You simply can’t take credit for something that was going to happen despite you, regardless of you, and in no way because of you. Maybe your new beau or girlfriend just wasn’t ready to commit to anyone or maybe the place that turned down your job application found an internal candidate who was a better match for the role. You just don’t know. This is what you need to tell yourself and keep telling yourself until you believe it. I see rejection as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than any failure on my part. Things That Make You Feel Good About Yourself? Remember your lists of Signature Strengths and how I suggested you keep that list somewhere safe so you can go back to it? Now, when you are feeling the pain of rejection, is the time to do that. Read the list out loud. Every night, before you go to sleep and every morning when you wake up.

A Gentle Storm

You Matter To People. Human beings are social creatures and hiding away licking your wounds after a rejection can serve to compound the feelings of hurt. You may end up feeling hurt by the rejection itself but also isolated and lonely because you’ve chosen to hide your shame. You Matter To People. So, get in touch with someone who will remind you of that, someone you may not have seen for a while because you were so engrossed in your relationship. Someone who will be really pleased to hear from you. Get in touch and get out of the house. Yes, you may still be in pain and yes, you may want to come straight home again so you can cry some more but this is tough love right here. Nobody ever got over a rejection or heartache by sitting feeling sorry for themselves, night after night. No wonder it can seem to Millenials and those born afterwards, that the world is just one big social ’ouch!’ or that lots of people, after multiple rejections, decide a night in with Netflix is less risky than another Zoom date. One of the key things you can do when it comes to building better resilience against these seemingly casual social rejections, is to stop assuming the worst and give someone the benefit of the doubt. This kind of behavior is their problem, not yours.