What Are You Noticing About Your Dreams?

It is no wonder then that our dreams in grief can be doorways to healing. When we wake from a dream state, the substance of the dream may be lost, but we can recall glimpses or images. The strong emotions in a dream can wake us and they can linger long after sleep ends. I woke at one stage during the night. Lying on my back, I woke in time to feel a tear drop from my left eye on to the pillow. I couldn’t catch the dream that had caused it, but in that moment, I was still living it. You may recall your dreams with a sense of deep connection to your loved one. What are you noticing about your dreams? Which experiences carry over from dreaming to waking? What feelings are generated by your dreams? Dreams are full of representations and symbols which are difficult to interpret using literal approaches. They bring together amazing and vivid collections of people and creatures and places and events, and when we wake, we may try to make sense of the dream. While you might reflect on the meaning of something in a dream dictionary, our dreams are a highly subjective experience, and the meaning, if it can be discovered at all, lies within us. In reflecting on your dream, where was the most energy? How would you describe that energy? Where is that energy present in your life? How might you increase or decrease that energy in your life? In reflecting on your dream, which emotions were present? Where was the emotional intensity of the dream? How are those emotions present in your daily life? How are you expressing those emotions? What are your unexpressed emotions? What could the dream symbolize for you? What message does the dream carry for you? Which insights emerge from your dream? What from your dream could accompany you during your day? What aspects of your day could accompany you into your dreams? Against a background of growing acceptance, we begin to choose our thoughts, using new patterns to sharpen our preferences and to take action towards a preferred future. This thinking, identified in Buddhism as shoshin, stresses curiosity and wondering rather than certainty.

Window in the Skies

We recognize that we’re not sure what will happen, and we see what’s possible. Even if we have lost other loved ones, each relationship is unique and therefore our experience of their loss will also be particular to that person and this time. Beginner’s Mind encourages us to let the experience unfold. This thinking practise involves one part of the mind observing and witnessing all that is happening in the moment. We notice ourselves, our thoughts, and our actions as observers with a little distance. Moreover, we make sure that the gaze we have is a kind one. When we first learn to do this, we use hindsight to look back on a situation and see ourselves clearly. As we practise, we learn to do it in the moment itself. It frees us from judgement as we are gently and objectively aware of ourselves and others. What are the messages you give yourself? What could be kinder? What are the judgements you’re making about others? What could be kinder? This pattern involves thinking about thinking. We bring some attention to the types of thoughts we are having, and we identify those that will best serve us. If we find ourselves thinking about all that could go wrong in a new situation, some metacognition would recognize what’s happening and deliberately explore some more positive possibilities.

Too Far Gone

What do you notice about your thinking at this time? How are your current thought patterns supporting you? Healing can be supported when we focus on what we have and remind ourselves that we have enough. Working with what we have, rather than what we want, can build a sense of abundance and hope. What do you have enough of at the moment? What would you like to expand? Some of the powerlessness we experience in grief can be overcome with the knowledge that we can choose our thoughts and our actions. Losing a loved one is not of our choosing, but how we come to terms with that reality is partly defined by choices. They may seem limited for a time, but you can practise thinking positively and productively in order to reshape your life. I felt I had to go back to work after my husband had died but it was so hard. The most useful thought was the idea that I was choosing to be there and at any time I could choose to leave. At times I felt as if I had no choice, but I came to see that there were options about where and how and how often I worked. Eventually I chose different work. Sometimes others may remind us to defer big decisions for a period of time while we are grieving, but the demands for small choices about daily living remain. Focus on a choice you’re trying to make. It lies in the throat, at the base of the neck, and when it is activated, we recognize what is happening for us, we know our own mind, and our communication flows freely.

Your Thoughts Control You

You may notice that your breathing is shallow or even catches in your throat. Your voice may be affected as you experience some constriction in the throat. Even if you know what you want to say you might find it hard to say it aloud. You may even have the physical experience of losing your voice during grief. There may be things you wish you’d said while your loved one was alive, or you may regret some things that were said. There may be things you’d like to express now but it seems impossible. Your energy may be so reduced that you feel that everyday communication is beyond you. These can be painful conversations full of words you never expected or wanted to say. Take a breath.