Distorting The Reality Of What Goes On Around

If we believe we are in some ways superior to others, whether we are or not, we can use this attitude to aspire to goals we believe superior people normally achieve. Distorting the reality of what goes on around us may be necessary for us to function. Numerous studies over the years have found that thinking you will succeed helps you succeed, in a variety of contexts. For this reason, deceiving yourself about your intelligence when taking a test or about your competence during a job interview can have tangible benefits. Further, the change in the grades often reflected the exact number they’d reported earlier. In other words, they improved their performance to make their lie true. Such lies can be thought of as a sort of expression of inner yearning. Students reported what they perhaps unconsciously wanted their grades to be, then followed through to make this wish reality. If we honestly assess the odds against opening a successful business or making a radical career change later in life, we might, perfectly rationally, decide not to attempt such an endeavor. But if we offer ourselves an unreasonably optimistic appraisal of the challenges ahead, it can be easier to find the motivation to strive toward realizing such unlikely ambitions. It’s important to keep in mind that the odds against achieving most of humanity’s greatest accomplishments seem, in retrospect, hopelessly long. Who would have thought we could put a man on the moon before the invention of the pocket calculator? Victims of trauma who can convince themselves that they do, in fact, retain control of their lives cope better than those who take a harder, more realist view of things.

No Second Thoughts

Lying to ourselves, then, about our attributes, our ambitions, or our vulnerability can benefit us in ways both mental and concrete. Sandra Murray of the University of Buffalo and John Holmes of the University of Waterloo in Ontario have done extensive research into the ways lovers and spouses view each other. Their studies have found that people hold an idealized view of their close romantic partners. This sort of partner glorification has actually been found to be a factor in relationship success. Relationships in which the partners see each other with this positive prejudice tend to last longer and be more mutually satisfying. In a similar vein, psychologists studying relationships have found that people in more successful relationships tend to lie to themselves about their options for other partners. The same way people mentally burnish the qualities of spouses or lovers, the qualities of potential mates outside the relationship are often viewed with irrational harshness. Here, the positives are overlooked or minimized, the negatives inflated or embellished. We need to see our partners as close to perfect and everyone else as hopelessly flawed. Consider the fact that however much we idealize them, the people in our lives remain, in the end, people. Our closest friends, husbands or wives, coworkers and family members inevitably indulge in acts of selfishness or malice. Sometimes, unfortunately, these acts are directed toward us.

Higher Ground

Would it really serve our interests to think of our network of associates as selfish and malevolent? Or, to consider the question another way, would we maintain this network if we did? In the game, each player decides whether to contribute to a common investment pool. They both also have the option of excluding their partner from accessing the pool if the partner is not contributing enough to the common pot. After running the simulation for several generations of interactions, the researchers found that players who had established a history of cooperation were willing to ignore isolated acts of selfishness and continue the partnership. Furthermore, the researchers concluded that in the long term, this pattern of behavior was the most beneficial for the larger community. In other words, the ability to overlook the occasional malignant act proved helpful to the society at large. Serial offenders had to be excluded. But the simulation suggested that more harm was done ending imperfect but workable relationships than by continuing them, warts and all. What this suggests for us is a model of relationships in which we deny, as best we can, the anomalous cheating and stealing of others so that society in general can function. According to one view, this is actually an evolved behavior. We may feel a strong internal prohibition against stealing, for instance. This undoubtedly is true to some degree. As we have seen throughout The Liar in Your Life, lying has costs and benefits.

One Of A Kind

This is particularly important with regard to the lies we tell ourselves, since these are the lies we are often least aware of. She summed up the apparently paradoxical need to keep the lies we tell ourselves in mind through a sharp metaphor. The town of Gerald, Missouri, population 1,200, has a local police force you can tally on one hand. Unfortunately, Gerald also has a drug problem, specifically with methamphetamines. In this, Gerald is not unique. Meth labs have been popping up in rural areas of Middle America with alarming frequency in recent years. And like Gerald, most towns don’t have the resources to deal with the problem. So when a federal agent arrived in Gerald and announced he had been sent to assist local law enforcement officers with their efforts against pushers and users, he was welcomed. Sergeant Bill, as he came to be known around town, fit the image of the tough federal drug warrior almost to perfection. He carried a gun and a badge. He drove around town in a Ford Crown Victoria outfitted with sirens and a police radio. And he turned sour when asked to give out his full name, saying it could compromise his investigative work. Sergeant Bill began participating in an aggressive series of raids not long after arriving in Gerald. Sergeant Bill’s campaign began to attract the attention of local media, in particular his claim that federal agents can act without warrants. He had no affiliation with any federal agency.