A Full Spectrum Of Physical Heaviness

We tend to always get so wrapped up in the wrongness. We’re blinded by blame, entitlement, and judgment. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. I was no longer carrying the label of adulteress, and he was no longer a wife beater. We were just two people in the surrendered state of forgiveness. It was like the release of a full spectrum of physical heaviness that I had carried for so many years. My body and my heart had been my steadfast companions every step of the journey, sending powerful feedback that I had ignored. This is why it’s imperative to tune in to the ways your body speaks to you and the lessons that are readily available to discern if you’re brave enough to explore. Your body is providing constant feedback to let you know if you are on the right path or not. It felt like a strep infection burning up my tonsils and couldn’t have arrived at a worse time. I was scheduled to be onstage in the next twelve hours, and this was my first big keynote speech.

Something Special

It was a huge deal for me. Sean and I were staying in the most beautiful resort in Bali, Indonesia. Yes, this is a tad dramatic. This ring of fire felt like it was manifesting in the back of my throat on the day of my first keynote speech. These tsunami dreams often come to me in times of emotional upheaval, which happens from time to time. So before I said yes to the speaking gig, I studied the hotel for their tsunami emergency evacuation routes. Fearful and expecting the worst? I’d been living in the United States for three years, and so it felt strange to be so close to Australia without visiting home, but the tropical paradise was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. The temples held quiet wisdom that complemented the exquisite flora and fauna. My hair extensions were taped in, feeling very itchy, and they didn’t like the Balinese heat and humidity. I had to make peace with not having perfect hair onstage, and that was okay. What I didn’t anticipate was that this throat issue would weaken my voice. Sean gently and compassionately asked if I could be potentially sabotaging myself.

Nine More Lives

He felt that my throat chakra needed to be cleared and that if I rested, I would be okay enough to complete the gig. Sean is tremendously intuitive and knows when to offer support in my times of need. I’d been through two rounds of speaker training to become confident in delivering a great keynote. This newfound tool of using my voice felt powerful and unknown, like having a fast car and not wanting to step on the gas to see how fast it could run. And yet, I was still terrified. What if the giant wave crashes through the conference when I am onstage? What if I forget my words? What if my heels are too high and I land on my face? When I get nervous, so do my bowels. I couldn’t relax until this keynote was delivered, done, and dusted. After the glam team was finished with me in my suite, I headed over from my room to the backstage area to get hooked up to a microphone for the sound check. I knew that if I could deliver this speech from my heart, then I would do a good job. I also knew that the upcoming gigs would be way better with practice. I waited in the wings as the incredibly talented emcee introduced me, and then I was center stage, delivering my keynote speech. It felt different from how I ever could have anticipated.

Are You Listening?

There was an energetic connection between the audience and me. It was a flow of intention and feedback. I would speak, and they would respond. I could only see the faces of the people in the front row, but what I could see was a unified reaction and reception. After I finished, the crowd applauded, and I walked off the stage. My throat was fine, and I had my very first official speaking gig under my belt. I allowed myself to be visible, and I didn’t realize how amazingly freeing it would feel. Remember, I was a timid child with extreme anxiety issues, and this was one of the first times in my life that I’d felt empowered to stand up and use my voice without fear of not being accepted. That night, all the attendees of the event dressed up as fairies and mythical creatures to board buses to be taken to a secret party location. The bus drove down narrow Balinese streets, and the humid air was warm and comforting. Upon arrival, we were at a park on a cliff overlooking the ocean. We walked down a corridor of fairy lights to the most magical party of elves, wizards, pixies, and fairies. The most incredible deejay was on the stage blasting the best dance music, the alcohol was flowing freely, and I had the pure essence of relaxation flood my entire body after delivering my keynote without a hitch. And then, when we least expected it, the heavens opened up. It poured with rain, and the music kept playing. What happened next was fascinating. People started to flock undercover because they didn’t want to get wet. The people who didn’t care seized the moment and danced up a storm! The people who were reluctant huddled together like chickens in a henhouse on a chilly evening. I made the conscious choice to be one of those people to seize the moment and not be afraid of the water. We danced for hours in the warm rain, in puddles that then turned to mud, and with the full awareness that this evening would be magical and memorable. I drew the parallel where I felt like the connection with myself was about to fall into the ocean.