Creating The Ultimate Peace

Your most authentic self doesn’t need to people please or apologize profusely. Soon after we divorced, I started dating. Basically, I was heartbroken, vulnerable, and yes, a little desperate. At first I met some nice, normal guys. But I didn’t want anything to do with them. We were quite a pair. A few months into the relationship, he cheated on me. I remember crumbling in a heap on my bedroom floor the moment I found out. My head was spinning and I kept repeating, I can’t believe this is happening again. Yes, being cheated on is the ultimate betrayal. But when it happened to me twice in a row, I was forced to take a long, hard look at myself, what I was choosing, what I was putting up with, and what I learned. If you’ve ever been there or somewhere like it, yes, it sucks ass.

You Haven't Done Nothing

If you’ve been cheated on, it isn’t about you. It wasn’t my fault the guys I was with screwed around. People who cheat are never in a place of sound mind or of their highest, best self. Being broken up with doesn’t mean you’re not pretty enough, skinny enough, or good enough in bed. I spent countless nights awake obsessing about what I could have done differently. What if I’d had bigger boobs? There is no definite answer here. You’ll go bananas trying to find it but you never will, because it’s not about you. You are amazing just as you are. Being broken up with didn’t mean you’re bad at relationships. I even considered joining the convent and becoming a nun. Sure, I didn’t necessarily know they would cheat on me, but I knew they weren’t right for me, either. Yes, I had picked them both, chosen to stay, and I had to take responsibility for that.

There's Never A Forever Thing

I was someone easy to manipulate, quick to fall in love, and willing to stick through anything. Breakups are something you need to grieve and get over as an event. Think of the breakup separately from the relationship as well as the person you were in the relationship with. The suspicions, the lies, the fights, the moment of finding out. I really had to come to terms with it and grieve it separately than the breakup of the relationship. In some small way, it still stings sometimes to think about it. It doesn’t mean anything. Just because it still hurts doesn’t mean I miss the relationship or the Cheater. Just that it hurt, and sucked. Frequent bad relationships might be an indicator that you don’t know what it’s like to be in a normal, functional, healthy relationship. This one was shocking to me, and might be to you, too. When I met my current husband, I had to run back to my therapist.

Nothing In Common

I told her I knew the relationship was great, but I was so bored. She told me that my past relationships were so full of drama and intensity that now that I was in a normal, healthy relationship, I didn’t know how to act. Bad breakups might help you trust your intuition. There were times with a cheater that my intuition was flashing red lights and sirens at me and I walked right by. I was in a place where I would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship. I stayed with him so no one would know how bad it was. My intuition never left me. It tried and tried to help me and never gave up. Finally, I could not take one more day, so I left. Had I listened much earlier, I would have saved myself so much heartache. I learned so much from my bad relationships, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I don’t regret one single day. For if I did, I would be regretting the person I am today. Sometimes it’s easier to hold on to negative feelings like anger, embarrassment, or sadness simply because we’re used to it. I sat in my therapist’s office one evening, about a week or two after the fateful day my marriage fell apart. I wanted to choke him and kick him in the balls simultaneously. To say I saw red was an understatement. I spewed in her office how much I hated him, how unfair it was that I could not defend myself to those people that I still loved. My name was being dragged through the mud and there was nothing I could do about it. If that didn’t work, I would call them one by one to explain my side of the story. To me, all of this sounded completely reasonable and right. She asked me what it was that I really wanted in all of this. I told her I wanted the truth to be told. That he was wrong for what he had done and said, and that I was right. Sure, you can do all of these things. She was right, though. I had to find the fastest, easiest way to peace. For the first time I realized I had a choice to be free, a choice to be at peace. For the first time I realized I had the power when it came to my feelings and emotions. I realized that by acting on my impulsive wants, I would just create more negative feelings, drama, and chaos in my life. I chose freedom and peace. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, especially then, in the middle of all that turmoil. Creating the ultimate peace in this circumstance also meant I needed to forgive him. Now, granted, I didn’t forgive him that day, but the seed had been planted. For a while, there was part of me that wanted revenge. I wanted him to suffer. To pay for what he had done to me. The other part of me wanted freedom. Freedom from the pain I was putting myself through. Freedom from the uncertainty of our future.