Listen To Your Gut Instincts

You might be at a point in your life when you’re surrounding yourself with the people you think you should be around instead of the people you want to be around. But you might also have a few assholes floating around that are bringing you down. You know that phrase, Misery loves company? It’s like their extracurricular activity. And if you happen to be one of those assholes I speak of, you’re going to need to do some inner work before you can attract the right people. Maybe it’s the cool, mysterious crowd. Either way, why are you spending your precious time and energy with them? You need to be around people who bring value and respect to your life. If your current crowd isn’t doing that, it’s time to reassess. What kind of people do you admire and want to emulate? What kind of attributes do they have? Are they kind, funny, do they have jobs? Who is someone, living or otherwise, that you love? Was it your grandmother? And if you answer, I love and admire Channing Tatum because he’s hot, that’s not the type of answer I’m looking for. Think about intrinsic qualities you want for yourself and admire in others. Listen to your gut instincts. Pay attention to how you react to people. If it’s a first meeting, are you drawn to them even though you can’t explain why? What is it about their essence or energy that draws you to them? Reinforce relationships with the great people you already know.

Got To Begin Again

Do you have people already in your life who you want to strengthen the bonds with? Take action and plan something with them. You could even create rituals such as meeting for breakfast the last Friday of every month. Embrace virtual connections. Social media has made it so easy for us to connect, even if it’s on a virtual level. When you create this tribe of badasses for yourself, I guarantee you will see a shift. It won’t happen overnight, but you will see things change. Don’t wait for your tribe to come to you. You may be waiting around forever. Be proactive in your efforts to create your tribe. It’s like walking around with a wedgie you can’t pick. You want the relief. Closure is defined as bringing to an end and the act of closing, but it can mean different things for different people.

The Show Must Go On

It might mean you need to tell an ex exactly what you think of him or your relationship, maybe you need to return his favorite college sweatshirt, or it might mean you need to tell him to screw off, or that deep down you really want to keep in touch. Let’s say a relationship has ended. It’s over and that may suck. What I think is a myth around this topic is the notion that you can have one conversation over coffee, hug it out, and get closure. As if those elusive last words are what bring relief and tie it all up with a pretty bow. Sure, there might be some things you need to say, to clear up. Maybe you need to offer a much needed apology and ask for forgiveness. But where I think this myth of closure messes with people is when they assume that some specific action will heal their wounds. And the search for this imaginary action can cause even more grief. If I told him one more time how hurt I was, or apologized for anything I had done in our relationship, that would be closure for me. Somewhere along my quest for all of this I realized I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the event to go away.

Back To The Start

I wanted to not be divorced, alone, and have to start over. And the reality was nothing was going to change that. Closure wasn’t going to bring all of that for me. Nothing was going to heal me except me. For a while after we split, we did keep having conversations. Conversations that revolved around what happened to us. Apologies, asking for forgiveness, updates on how our lives were without each other in it. If I could paint the picture of what I thought closure looked like, that was it. After all that, what I came to realize was there was nothing either of us could say to change what happened. The circumstances of that breakup were painful. No words, no apologies, no amount of tears were going to change that or make it go away. I needed to either let it all go, or be okay with the fact that what happened, happened. I’ve heard it often, I never got any closure. And then the person desperately tries to contact the person, or beats him or herself up to a pulp because there is no way to get it. The definition of closure you’re looking for may never, ever happen. Your only job is to create the closure you need in order to feel peace and love for yourself. You can’t change the past, ever. You can’t make the other person feel a certain way. You can’t make them accept your apology, or listen to you if they don’t want to. And even if they do listen, remember, they may not react as you want. But this isn’t the movies. What might help are a few small steps in the positive direction that will add up to a bigger amount of healing. Write a letter with no intention of sending it. Without the intention of the other person reading it, you’re more likely to write it for you. Tell the other person exactly how you feel. When you’re done, keep it in a safe place, or if you’re into rituals, do something symbolic with the letter. Write out your whole story. You can even get creative here and make it a poem, a play, or whatever you want. Something you said or did? Do yourself a favor now.