My Life Became Unrecognizable To Me

I had enough experience in sales to know that I excelled at it too. You establish yourself in your career, get married, buy a house, maybe have a family, and send your kids to school so the whole thing can start over again. My dad was my role model for business success. I sold Girl Scout cookies and, later, Cutco knives. I’m naturally persuasive, and I believe people prefer to buy from someone who believes in what they’re selling. If I believe in something, I want others to believe in it too. So I thought, It’s simple! I’ll go into marketing. I’ll work hard and get promoted, and soon I’ll be running things. I’ll get the corner office. I’ll wear amazing tailored suits and gaze out my huge office window to see my sleek sports car in the parking space with my name on it. Sure, I’d have kids eventually. After I launched my successful business career, I’d go home to my little family.

It's All Over Now

Together we’d take great vacations and make memories. Sure enough, straight out of college I walked into a job at Home Depot’s corporate headquarters in Atlanta. On that first day, I felt proud. I had the security name badge. The job with a great salary and all the perks. I was given access to some of the most important people in the corporation, and I was ready to learn everything I could from them. Soon it became clear to me that the others in the leadership program had figured out how to play the game. They wanted more access to the executives so they could promote their own careers. I wanted to learn too, but the politics didn’t appeal to me at all. And while working hard had always been a big part of my life plan, the appearance of working hard was not. My peers stayed late at the office to get noticed. I was like, Y’all are done with your work.

Every Teardrop is a Waterfall

Why are you staying? I’m not supposed to be here. This was not the life I really wanted. I’d worked to accomplish all the things, so why didn’t I feel like I was in the right place? Once the blinders fell off, I could clearly see that the measurements coming from the outside didn’t matter to me. There had to be something else. Lord, if this isn’t what You have planned for me, I said, what is? I knew I would finish what I’d started at Home Depot, but I resolved that the corner office was no longer my goal. Two years after my leadership program ended, I married Benjamin and moved to Boston to live with him. After a few years of figuring out how to live together and thrive together, we decided to try for kids. We’d already decided that one of us would be home with our children, and since Benjamin was playing football, I left my job at a nonprofit at Northeastern University to stay home with Baby, aka Grace. It turns out that while it isn’t the only thing I’m good at, being a mom is definitely my calling. It’s also infinitely more difficult. I’m not always the mom I’d like to be, but I keep trying. And I keep learning! I can’t help but giggle to myself.

A Higher Power?

Babies don’t know why they cry. They just know something’s not right. I’m a lot like that, if I’m honest. I push, pull, and try so hard to make things happen. My need for control can be overwhelming. What I’m trying to do is learn from my children. What if I surrendered? Before Grace came along, Benjamin and I had a good groove going. We had jobs outside the home we enjoyed. We were two adults living the dream. We were at work during the day, but we’d meet up for dinner, either at home or somewhere out to eat. Once a week Benjamin would cook. Then Grace was born, and it was like everything stopped for me. I fiercely loved this little person, but I was alone so much. I’m a people person, and Baby Grace obviously couldn’t talk. So I had all these conversations in my head. I started singing songs to her and talking to her almost constantly, just to hear the sound of someone’s voice. Practically overnight, my life became unrecognizable to me. It was a rude awakening. Everything was about the baby, as it should have been, but I wasn’t prepared for my whole world and timeline to revolve around this little human. I couldn’t do anything without taking into account when she was awake and when she was supposed to eat. Even a simple thing like when to take a shower or run to the grocery store had to be carefully timed. If she fell asleep in the car, it could throw us off course for hours. Should I wake her or just stay with her in the car? I deeply loved her and felt so grateful to be her mom, and at the same time I had never felt so alone. I wondered if my education and my career and everything I’d worked for were meaningless. I felt like I was losing a part of myself because I wasn’t sharing it with anyone. It was just me and this baby, cut off from the world. I couldn’t help but wonder if this motherhood thing was going to be enough. Even now, with this big family and the joy they bring me, a snide little voice in my head says, This job is so beneath me. It’s not in the Bible, but I feel sure those guys hadn’t just come from getting pedicures! He said, I have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. When I’m up late with one of the kids, my body tingling from exhaustion, I remember those words. I wonder if I can do it well enough or if a professional would do it even better.