What You've Accomplished Lately?

I was in love and addicted to a fantasy of this life that I longed for. In the meantime, I scrambled and hustled to be what I thought I needed to be in order for him to change. I was too scared to leave, to start over, and to be alone. And every day I woke up and hoped that would be the day my fantasy would come true. Once I stopped blaming him for my miserable life, then I started to see things more clearly and move on. How many people do you know who spend ample amounts of time complaining, wishing, and hoping for their partner to change and then, voilà! One day they do change! All the pushing, pleading, and complaining worked. You are the only one that can control you, and you are the only one that can make you miserable. You’re the one who is sticking around for the crap, deep down knowing it isn’t going to get better. If only he would propose. If only he would get a job. If only he would stop cheating on me. If only he would stop drinking.

As The World Falls Down

If you’re in love with the notion of if only, remember that it is an imaginary fantasy that isn’t going to show up to give you the love and respect you truly deserve. With the fantasy you’ve made up of how it could be? If it’s the latter, take a look at the current reality in your relationship. If things keep going exactly how they are, is the story going to turn out how you want it? And if you think it is, how long are you willing to wait? You deserve love and respect. It needs to come from you first, so if you truly love and respect yourself, you wouldn’t stay in a destructive, dysfunctional relationship. I was that girl in the relationship where, looking back, I didn’t love and respect myself. I wanted to, but I didn’t know how. Be okay with the fact that you don’t exactly know how to respect yourself. Take inventory of what you’re tolerating in your relationship. You’ve probably made the mental list 100,000 times in your mind, so now’s your chance to organize it, write it down, and see it in black and white in front of your face. Is there emotional disconnect? Is there infidelity? Decide that you are not going to tolerate anything but love and respect in your relationships. If you’re in a relationship that isn’t serving you, where your partner is anything from disrespectful to abusive, please hear me when I tell you that it is highly unlikely that this person is going to change. And many times, the relationships don’t last through the changes.

Burn That Candle

This is a hard truth to swallow, but a necessary one. Get professional help if you’re committed to helping the relationship. Couples counseling works and saves relationships. But, both parties need to be not only willing, but committed. Get to know yourself. What do you want in life? What do you not want? What do you think of yourself? How do you want to change? Everyone has a different threshold for pain when it comes to difficult relationships. Some people can stick around for a whole heap of crap before they’ve had enough. You need to decide where you draw the line in the sand and cannot tolerate any more. Because your future deserves to kick ass. If you’re a human being, keep reading. They are beautiful, have the perfect house, perfect spouse, perfect life. You wish you could either be them, or have everything they have.

Just In Time

I saw her on the cover of a tabloid magazine and wondered how hard it must be to have to deal with that pain in front of the world. Practically on a stage. I also wondered if it was easier for her than it was for me. After all, she had millions of dollars, a perfect body, perfect tan, perfect hair, and an awesome career. But I realized, at the end of the day, she’s still a human being, just like me. Stuff, or money, or looks, or anything else doesn’t make painful circumstances any less painful. If you see it any other way, it just means they just do a really good job of covering it up. Before you go comparing yourself to your perfect people, just remember that everyone suffers in their own way. Live the life you were given, for it was given to you for a reason. There’s a saying that goes, If everyone threw all their problems in a pile for everyone else to see, we’d take our own back. I absolutely believe this to be true. The first is what I like to call labeling. We think, If she is prettier than me, then I’m ugly. We label ourselves based on what we think about someone else. For instance, shift it to, If she is prettier than me, then she is just prettier than me. It doesn’t mean anything. Your first goal can be to shift your thoughts from, She’s prettier than me to, Wow, she’s really pretty. The end. Empowerment can come later when you’re feeling safe in neutrality. The second tool here is gratitude. When you find yourself falling down the rabbit hole of comparing, stop and immediately list as many things you can think of that you are grateful for. It’s really hard to keep comparing, beating yourself up, and wishing you were different when your thoughts are inundated by things you love and are grateful for. Dovetailing off the last one is celebrating your own accomplishments. Have you stopped lately to be proud of what you’ve accomplished lately? If this is a void in your life, it will be easier for you to fall prey to the comparison trap. Don’t hate, appreciate. Not long ago I was in a bistro with a friend and we were asking the girl behind the counter about the food there.