What's Something That Makes You Laugh?

Parents have not set out to intentionally ignore their kids. Sometimes parents just need a break, man. It’s in this quest for relief and escape that parents scroll. We’ve all been there. The problem is the unseen opportunity costs. We had our first three kids in three years. That season was not easy. Some days, it was all I could do to crawl across the finish line in the same pajamas I woke up in that morning. My husband would reassure me, It will not be like this forever. They will not be in diapers forever. They won’t always scream irrationally when you buckle them into their car seats. Frankly, I didn’t believe him.

Walking Down A Long, Dark Corridor

Because I was in the midst of it. I couldn’t see past the hard. Looking back, I wish that I had numbered those days instead of rolling my eyes at people who told me to enjoy them. Today, as I parent six kids, I am more mindful of the speed at which they progress from one stage to the next. The longer we do this thing, the more disciplined I’ve become at pressing into the hard parts instead of wishing them away. It hasn’t gotten easier, but I’ve gotten better at it. Functionally, it feels easier. The fact of the matter is that we parents are already serving our guts out for our kids. We wake up all night with the babies. We get them dressed into their third outfit by eleven a.m. And then we train them to sit down and be quiet. We wash their insanely dirty clothes and answer zillions of questions.

All The Butterflies Have Broken Wings

We wipe snot from tiny nostrils. We put them to bed, only to do it all over again. We are exhausted, and understandably so. We are laboring our faces off. But what we miss too often is the most critical part, the best part. It happens every day. We come to the end of ourselves in service to our kids. We have met every external need, and we finally see a tiny glimpse of quiet and rest. The dino nuggets are served, kids are happy and quiet. Sit down, look in their eyes, and get into their hearts, with 100 percent of our attention. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? What’s something that makes you laugh? If you had a zillion dollars, what would you do with it? Is there anything that makes you feel scared? Families are being robbed of these conversations by electronic diversions. If it’s not our kids’ attention that’s digitally hijacked, it’s our own.

Goodbye Cruel World

We are missing out because we choose the easier thing instead of the worthwhile thing. We spend so much time and energy caring for the physical needs of our kids that the ground is fertile and ready for emotional and spiritual cultivation. Yet it’s in that very moment we turn to our phones. The days are long, and we are exhausted. Sometimes the last thing we want to do is give that last 3 percent of our remaining energy to what feels like a pointless conversation. But this is exactly what our kids need. They need us to draw out their feelings and fears, to speak life into their hearts and dreams. They need our eye contact. To genuinely take interest in the Popsicle stick joke as they butcher it. But that is where you find the best parental treasures. Recently, I was making dinner at the end of a long day. Several kids buzzed around the kitchen, making noise and asking random questions. I wanted to tune out, but instead I tuned in. Buddy, do you remember coming to our house for the first time? Yes, he said. What did you think about that? At first it was scary, and it was a stranger’s house. But then it was just my mom and my dad. This took my breath away. I’d never heard him say anything like it. In foster parenting, and regular parenting for that matter, many days feel like one obstacle after the next. But we don’t always see what is happening under the surface, the unseen fruit of our parental labor. That little fleck of gold from my foster son will live in my heart forever. I replayed it in my mind and it got me through disciplinary struggles with a different child the next day. Because I knew that all the love, work, and intentional conversations we parents pour in are cultivating beautiful unseen tapestries of life and healing. And I never would have seen this glimpse if I had checked out instead of pouring in. There’s been a troubling trend in parenting over the last decade or so. In the name of authenticity and keeping it real, we complain about the hard parts of parenting, air all of our shortcomings, and then congratulate each other. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who yells at my kids and lets them watch five hours of YouTube. That’s just the way I am! It’s an okay start, but we can’t stop there. Not in shame or blame, but in mutual striving to live out our calling well. Protect your breaks instead of multitasking them. To be clear, parents need breaks. Breaks are not optional, and we must protect them. Show me a human who has put in too many consecutive parenting hours, and I will show you a clip of Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano on caffeine pills. We must create windows for breaks. For me, it means rising while it’s dark to read in a quiet house. It also means regular date nights. And setting up a moms’ night out with friends. For dads, that might look like poker nights, golfing, or hiking with friends. Stop multitasking your parenting and your breaks. It’s confusing for your brain and for your kids, and it leads to frustration too now. It also makes your kids feel ignored, like they are less important than your phone.