Witnessing Your Emotions Rising

Behind closed gallery doors, my parents would often fight about money, fight to be right, and fight to be heard. Their primary objective was to wound one another with their words. When I was about seven years old, I would pray at night that they would get a divorce or make a lot of money because I wanted them to somehow find peace. I suffered terribly from anxiety because I didn’t like them fighting so often. I held the fear and lack of worthiness in the pit of my stomach and at one point actively chose not to eat. I basically refused to nourish myself as a silent protest to hopefully one day have my anxiety managed or for the situation to change. In time, I learned not to blame my parents for the rough patches experienced in my childhood. Instead, I chose to celebrate them for the incredibly resourceful and amazing people they are and the sacrifices they made along the way. I feel so blessed to have been raised by such creative and resourceful humans. To get to this point of resolution and deeply honoring my parents, I had to make the journey back to believing in my own magic rather than holding others responsible for my past, present, or future. I dragged this cyclic baggage into my own two marriages, where it became as clear as day that I was sabotaging my own magic, instead of believing in it. This is pretty shocking, right? Especially for a woman that has an inspirational viral video about surviving domestic violence.

Sitting On The Fence

Please keep in mind that I do not make this statement lightly. It’s important for me to take full responsibility and show you how I have formed the deepest of boundaries within my heart to ensure that certain lines are never crossed again. Some of these lines I didn’t even really know existed until I got very emotionally raw with myself about the dynamics of mutual abuse in any relationship. It’s no surprise that I had repressed anger issues when I’d spent decades placing other people’s needs above my own. I knew that it was finally time to heal and to change my ways. The pain that is created when you hurt someone you love manifests as such a heavy burden. I was pretty good at playing the victim role too and even better at not taking ownership of how I participated in the cycle of abuse. Most of the time, I never stopped to give it much thought. It’s your fault I feel this way! You did this to me! It’s your responsibility to make me happy! When you make statements shifting blame onto another person, you hand over your magic. The good news is that when you can identify a cycle, you can break it and even reinvent it. Just like a farmer can look to the skies and know when a storm is brewing, you must learn how to identify your own emotional weather patterns and how to respond accordingly when you feel a wave of blame rising up within your heart. Witnessing your emotions rising up in the present moment requires you to listen, pause, and then respond.

All Or Nothing At All

This means getting really good at managing your own energy and knowing when it’s time to step back and get some space. When you are violent and demanding with your communication, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Affirm the belief that you are capable of cultivating peaceful skills for conflict resolution. I know this seems simplistic, but sometimes people don’t sense that a line has been crossed until they have crossed it. The bull is out of the gate. I then screamed at him to get out. Then I pleaded with him to stay when he packed his suitcase to go to a hotel for the night to get some space. My codependent tendencies were in full swing, and I was desperate for Sean to match the intensity of my energy. I lost control emotionally. I wasn’t taking a pause. I was scrambling for him to make me feel better, or validated, or healed. It was like someone had unleashed the Hulk, and although I didn’t turn green, my anger was like a tornado of fury.

Your Thoughts Control You

The shame that accompanies even writing these words leaves me feeling extremely saddened and disappointed in myself to this day. I had to own it and learn how to process my emotions by allowing myself space and time to do this. I had to treat myself with the same gentleness, kindness, and compassion with which I would treat a small child. The very real risk of this made me immediately seek to begin healing my trauma now. There was no way I was going to lose the love of my life. The stakes were too high, and I intuitively knew that I had been sweeping my issues under the rug and it was time to deal with them once and for all. The pain became severe enough for me to change, and I was ready and willing to do so. When I made the decision to change my behavior, I knew there would be things that I would no longer tolerate in my life. When you make a brave decision to change and transform, the clarity that often accompanies the intention is really beautiful. The old energy that no longer serves you falls away to create space for the new. For the first time in my adult life, I had to embody the choice to react and respond consciously with my communication and from a space of love. These three gifts are breakthroughs that I am proud to say have changed my life and were the foundation for the Be the Love philosophy. It hasn’t been easy to confront these demons, but it has been totally worth it. We all have access to our inner levels of wisdom when we remember to listen to our feelings.