How Do You Help But Not Help?

If your kid is upset, you want to know why. Benjamin keeps picking his nose. Billy is a sore loser. Geoff looks just like his dad, like in a freaky way, actually. Diego cries all the time. Alissa shows no emotion ever. I think I hate all kids. Dada, there are cats who talk and sing. They piece things together in funny ways, but the mysteries are shared with you. Your big kid though? She can be a black box, a mysterious reservoir of the unknown. You see her thinking about something, but what? Sometimes, it’s just kid stuff, but sometimes, it’s something deeper. It turns out that she has a rich inner life, but it’s hers, not yours.

Adjusting Tirelessly

Little kids and big kids are different. When a little kid cries, it’s because she didn’t get dessert. When a big kid cries, it might be because she suddenly realized she won’t live forever. When she’s staring off into the distance, she could be thinking, If we all have different opinions, how will we ever achieve real peace and understanding or Fart, fart, fart. You’re used to years and years of figuring out what’s wrong, understanding and accessing your kid’s inner life. Mean girls at school? And emotions are all out of whack. A few years ago, my stepdad died. He’d been in declining health for a while, but I’d done minimal prepping for my daughter. I didn’t know how she would react. So when I told her, she was sad. She gave me a big hug. She lingered, and then she said, Can I have my electronic time? This is a girl who sometimes cries at having to wear socks.

How Low You Fall

No crying, no carrying on. It’s times like this that kids seem like sociopaths. But then a few weeks later, her friend accidentally knocked over her sea monkeys. She wailed, she pleaded for them to be saved. It was all out of proportion. The emotions were all right there under the surface somewhere. And this year, we went to an exhibit where you were supposed to tie a ribbon on a string to send a thought to someone. My wife peeked at it, and it said, I miss you, Papa. Where did that come from? You never know what’s getting through, what’s making a difference. Death, hard family stuff, friendships . That’s the kid growing up, forging her own path, becoming a teenager, locking her door, heading off into the world. That’s the kid becoming stoic, becoming shy or secretive.

Back To The Start

But wow, it’s hard to see happen. You got her set up, right? What a wonderful, creative time of growth and discovery. Like reuniting with an old friend who just got out of the joint, I didn’t know if I should be happy or scared. Just when I thought I was out. It’s all the same as you remember it. Some of you may find that it’s the exact same principal that punished you. Hopefully, your kid will have better luck. There are still some great teachers. Some teachers, you’ll never forget. Magoun, my fifth grade teacher, was an absolute inspiration. From that crazy science teacher who wears the bow tie to the beloved kindergarten teacher who lets you hatch chickens in her class, there are still dedicated educators who will make learning fun. Not as fun as preschool, but a little fun. You remember them, too, right? Bores who killed your love of learning with their totally inflexible lesson plans? Luckily, you took that as a challenge and pushed even harder, right? I mean, it’s unfair to say that your terrible teachers set you on your current life of crime. And your resilient child will be just fine. Kicking balls around, chatting with friends. Kids still play Drop the Handkerchief, Ringolevio, and Hide the Peasant, right? That’s where I learned to love the theater. Schools still have those same auditoriums, with those same seats and curtains. Unfortunately, like some postapocalyptic world where civilization has only passed on crumbs of knowledge to the current mutants, no one knows how to get the speakers to work properly or focus a spotlight. If this sounds too grim or too soon for your kid, rest easy knowing that you will ease your way into school. And you’ll have the whole summer off! And nowadays, homework starts early, sometimes in kindergarten. As far as I remember, my only homework in kindergarten was being crazy adorable. The volume of homework builds slowly over the years. Little kids actually like homework at first because it makes them feel like big kids. It’s sad to see small children excited about getting homework, knowing what it will eventually become. Don’t you get it, kids? Being a big kid is the first step to respectability, putting away the pirate swords and magic wands, and becoming middle management. We can’t all be improve teachers like me. But homework shall not be avoided. It will only get worse. But it’s not as though your kid can just go off and do homework. No, your job is to supervise but not help. You know, help but don’t help. How do you help but not help? You’re supposed to sit nearby and just watch your kid mess up his homework. I guess the theory is that doing homework incorrectly is how kids learn. Apparently, this is step one of them making their own mistakes and learning from them. I mean, your kid will eventually have to be responsible for herself, and that includes making mistakes. She’ll screw up her math homework, and then she’ll start dating the wrong guy, and then she’ll move far away and become part of a cult and rob banks, and sometime shortly before you die, she’ll come back and apologize and tell you that she learned from her mistakes. No thanks. I say you help them. I’ve got it! she declares with a satisfied grin before diving back into a problem. In my reality, my wife helps with homework.