I Was In That Stage When I Began To Blame Myself

There’s a point in your desperation when you begin to question your own sanity and ability to make rational decisions. As a result of my sense of helplessness, I decided to stay for a couple of more years until it simply became too unbearable. I was in that stage when I began to blame myself for all that had transpired and wondered how I had gotten myself into this silly mess. I told my family and friends I was getting a divorce. The time had come for me to release the shame and judgment that I had attached to that word. When I had the very difficult conversation with my parents, it was extremely hard on them as well, because they were thinking about my children and how this would affect them moving forward. I made it very clear that they were the ones I had been thinking about the past few years, but the time had come to think about me. I had already stayed in that marriage longer than I should have, and I was through putting others before what I knew to be true for me. Absolutely, but I knew this was still the right path for me. That doesn’t mean that everything was easy as I went through the process, but there was a deep assurance that what I was doing was absolutely the right thing for me and my family moving forward. What I found ironic was that the financial struggles that I had previously experienced while being married just seemed to disappear. Mysteriously, there was more money to meet my living requirements than before.

Your Thoughts Control You

All of these various experiences combined were powerful indicators that I was honoring myself and moving forward in the right direction. The time I spent being single was absolutely divine. It was a very scary and exciting time in my life. About four months later, in early 2005, my mother informed me of a tumor discovered in her uterus. Her doctors had decided it was best for her to go ahead and undergo a full hysterectomy. The doctors were very confident, since she had caught it early, that they would through this procedure alleviate further issues. They also wanted her to undergo chemotherapy and radiation as a precaution after the procedure was completed. My mother had lost her sister the year before, and had seen what chemotherapy does to the body. She opted to have only radiation. In December 2005, my parents decided to sell the home we grew up in and have a home built in San Diego where both my sister and I and their grandchildren lived. It was also at this time that my mom began to feel very weak. She had developed a deep bronchial cough that she just could not shake.

Feeling That Way

This was nothing new, as she had developed these same deep coughs when she would overdo it and not listen to her body. We suggested she see the doctor. That was a day I will never forget. We were all perplexed because we were so sure the hysterectomy had taken care of it. In all honesty, I was angry with her for choosing that route. I wanted her to employ all of the available choices she had, but she had a different vision. As I sit back, now 10 years later, I realize the choice my mother made was a very personal and fitting one for her. We each have to individually look at our lives and choose how we want to live. I can’t say how I would have chosen to proceed, as I was not the one sitting there with my life flashing before my eyes. Her various organs began to shut down and I saw my mother losing her battle right in front of my eyes. There was one thing that Mom never wanted, and that was to have a machine keep her alive. As it became painfully clear that her physical body temple was shutting down, we knew it was time to honor her wishes.

Eyesight To The Blind

We would take care of dad and everything here. Then she quietly let go. As you can imagine, this was a very difficult time for my family. My parents had been married for 40 years and now my dad was a widower. I was only 33 years old at this point, and my children were also very young. My parents had spent an enormous amount of time with their grandchildren. They also took their grandkids on vacations all over the United States, so this was a huge hole that had also been left in their lives. I felt that I needed to step in and step up to take care of everyone. I believed this would be the best way for each of us to begin healing. During this time, I was also preparing for my wedding the following year. Needless to say, there was quite a bit going on. I knew there was no way I could be losing someone that I loved so much, especially so close to the death of my mother. Ten months later, she too was taken from me. I began to gain weight, not honoring my body in the manner that I should have. Ironically, I still couldn’t see what I was doing to myself. I just continued to push. In all honesty, it whizzed by. I was so busy ensuring all of the pieces were in place, I didn’t have time to enjoy the day or my guests as I would’ve liked. When we got married it was time to purchase our own home, so we did just that. We purchased a beautiful home, with a gorgeous backyard and pool! We bid my dad adieu and moved to settle in as a new family. I was going through the motions and somehow putting one foot in front of the other. Losing my mother and best friend within ten months of one another generated feelings that I am still unable to put into words.