Locked In A Tower Like Some Possession?

If you did not have a special fondness for the child in question, would you have a special hatred for him? If a grown man was doing what your child is doing, would that be okay? Is the volume on your child’s iPhone game/video turned on? Could your child be described as having done laps around the place? Have you noticed that your child is dining with you? If not, where’d he go? Is the average star count in the restaurant’s review higher than the age of the child? Eric’s saying hi to you! Has a toy been thrown? Has it been thrown a few times? Is your kid screaming? If you answered yes to four or more of the above questions, you are really taking this quiz thing seriously! And yeah, your kid is crazy annoying. The hippies of Music Together have reached into every corner of the globe to bring multicultural dreck to every child’s house. It sounds like the Ramones Beat on the Brat, but instead it’s Cheese on the Cat. Fake good music is the most insidious kids’ music around. It sounds like good music, but it’s been sanitized for children. Nothing marks your descent into uncoolness as clearly. Sure, it’s just a bit trickier. Just be careful not to play anything that is too scary. Kids scare so easily that you have to ease them into some of the deeper cuts. Wilco probably won’t get your kid upset, but the Pixies are tricky. And there’s no way you won’t sing Taxi, taxi, riding in the backseat when you’re actually in a taxi. Or if you find yourself at some horrible children’s music concert with kids rocking out all around you, please don’t cross your arms and be a buzzkill.

Things Aren't Always Easy

This softening of all your hard edges is part of growing up, being a dad, and becoming hopelessly out of touch. You went to the playground and made sure your kid didn’t fall off the jungle gym where that gap is way too big. You pushed her on the swing, even doing the extra run under the swing trick to amuse her. Sounds like an awesome day. But now you’re in Blue Bottle trying to get a fancy coffee and your kid is freaking out. Why won’t this tiny person be cool? They are not yet smart. They are ruled by emotions. They don’t know how to be cool when you need them to be. They can be a lot of fun one second and then suddenly become major jerks the next. You’ll get nothing and like it. There’s no you do one cool thing, and they do a cool thing. Kids take your cool things for granted entirely.

A Satisfied Mind

No, you will not get credit for getting things right. Think of all the stuff your parents did for you. Have you thanked them? With toddlers, there are just Things They Like and Things They Don’t Like. Your kid is being a punk, but that might actually be your fault! You might have overdone it! Maybe you set yourself up for failure here by cramming too much into a day. Guys love to multitask and optimize and bang out a day. Take advantage of the fact that your toddler is slow as hell and let the meandering to the playground be half the day, then being at the playground the other half. Toddlers like to look at the gum wrapper on the ground, point out a stray cat, touch a sharp thing. They like to take their time. Slow down and enjoy this glacial pace. I love me some Blue Bottle. Look, I’ll admit that I’m pretty douchey when it comes to fancy coffee. Those are for you now! Try one of those places.

Coming In From The Cold

Your problem may just be that you simply care too much. You’re too good a person. Stop caring that you are ruining everyone else’s good time. You’re the guy with the loud kid now. And older children shouldn’t spend more than one to two hours a day using screens. And anyway, sometimes you have to cook dinner or chill out! The key is to be mindful of the recommendations you are ignoring. Set firm boundaries. Encourage reading and outdoor play. Okay, a little while you are cooking or on the phone. And when it’s insanely cold or rainy out. Or if it’s super cold out. Or it’s one of those days. The rules are now firmly in place, and your kid will jealously guard his time, so good luck getting rid of it. But adding time is always an option! At least shows pretend to be educational now. And there’s more racial diversity. When I was a kid, the only people of color were the Pink Panther and the Great Gazoo. Screen time can really bring the family together. If the boy wants to wear a dress, you know it won’t make him gay and you’d love him if he was. You’re giving your daughter a handsaw, teaching her how to throw a ball, and setting her up to be a powerful woman. But what the hell is it about boys and trains? And what can you do when your daughter won’t stop talking about princesses? It’s spooky, but there is some weird attachment to these old tropes. If your boy likes trains, should you try to discourage that? Do princesses and trains oppress children? They’re a strong leader, a fixed hierarchy, and a way of thinking at odds with the fluid way our world now operates. There’s no one track, kid! Your options are wide open. On the other hand, is there anything wrong with good leadership? Action over inaction! Locked in a tower like some possession? Long, fancy dresses and horsies? On the other hand, aren’t we always seeking to teach children about the beauty in things? Some things are beautiful, not just in an inner way, but in an outer way, too! Why do you stop when we tell you to?