Relationships That Aren't Working

What systemic sentences do you have that define those limiting relationships? What events taught you how to relate in this unsatisfying way? For the relationships that aren’t working, are they reflecting a pattern from your current system? From another generation? Or did you start the pattern? What did you tell yourself about those events, and what did you make them mean? Or is it your truth? I always feel unworthy. I always mess things up. I am not appreciated. Are these sentences part of your family system? Explore where they came from and notice your frustrations and your dreams. The frustrations show you the patterns that need to stop, and the dreams and desires indicate the pattern that needs to start. Notice the kinds of people you hang around with. Notice the ones to whom you are loyal but who don’t elevate you as a person. I’m not good enough, rich enough, smart enough, funny enough. For you to move ahead and grow, find relationships in which you dare to be more, think higher, and be happier. This may take you out of your family system comfort zone, but it’s your next step. It doesn’t mean you exclude your family system. It simply means you are the one to change the pattern.

Outrageous Lows And Extraordinary Highs

Be aware of what lights you up or changes your thinking positively and go there. Remember, most people are even shyer than you are. It stuck. I knew how to be kind to shy people! One sentence and I unleashed an entirely new way of relating because I allowed a new truth in and fed it. In systemic work and constellations, being unable to belong and feeling out of order or balance of give and receive can bring woe to you and your relationships. Sometimes the exclusion is tied to an identification with someone else in the system who was excluded, and the solution is to give both that one and yourself a place. Excluding others is also a mode of not belonging, and those whom you exclude will show up in other forms in your system. We are here to learn from one another, and to do that, we need to acknowledge the place of those with whom we struggle. This allows the system to relax and us to learn. Being out of order is another scenario that may indicate exclusions of missing members. When you are out of order in relationships, you do not know from whom to receive and to whom you should give. If you are too small and don’t take your full place, you may not show up in ways that let others see you.

Do Yourself A Favor

For example, how can a child balance the care they receive from their parents? The answer is that what we cannot pay back we can always pay forward to our own children and the community around us. The ways we create limitations and failures in our relationships are often based on issues with Mom or Dad, their relationship issues or those of ancestors further back. Our limitations and failures can also be based on events in our own line of siblings or our own life in response to a significant event. For the most part, I’m going to focus on parental dynamics since they are so influential. Our relationship with our mother begins before birth. Life flows through her to you. She may not be able to keep you or be there the way you like, but she is the one who brought you into the world. She is your very first and primary relationship. Rejection of Mom is rejection of life and flow, and you may find both missing in your personal and business relationships. We also know that when we exclude something, as patterns are wont to do, they may show up in or around us. Ways you might notice this are systemic sentences, feelings, language, and actions you habitually say or engage in. Here are some examples of systemic mother issue sentences and their results.

Don't Pass Me By

She doesn’t love me. There’s something wrong with me. She’s not there for me. I become super independent and/or become ill or collapse. It’s always about her. I have no idea who I am. She doesn’t take care of me. I may neglect myself in other ways too. I am not good enough to be part of a relationship. I’m always the responsible one. I have no support and no one to lean on. There’s no one there for me. She doesn’t show her affection for me. I’m always the affectionate one. I give all the time, and I don’t know how to receive. Mom is mean and unkind. I am withdrawn and poorly resourced, or I am super kind and generous to compensate. She takes my place and hers. I can’t find my own place. All of the women in my family are afraid of their mothers. None of us can connect. I don’t know how to receive, flow, love, or birth things. All she does is take. I keep giving in hopes of her seeing I also have needs. Ask yourself how much sentences like these populate your relationships. If you think you’ve escaped Mom, look at her relationships, and then notice the ways yours mimic hers. Write down the systemic sentences you hear from Mom and see how those shape your relationships too. How you relate to your mother often carries the tone of how you are toward your partner or groups around you. When you are in good standing with Mom, you tend to make strong, healthy relationships. If you cannot connect to her easily, you may find yourself connecting to more painful patterns. I cannot stress enough how unconsciously loyal we are to our family system even when we consciously don’t want to be. And it’s all because what lies there is unseen and unresolved. We are always seeking a way to belong, even when we think we don’t want to belong. He doesn’t love me.