The Physical Lockdown Began

I chose to look at my past and those who affected me as my teachers. Sadly, this one decision caused a series of events that led to the actual breakdown. Dustin no longer felt he could trust Ashlynn’s decisions because of her mother’s influence. Ashlynn chose to disappear with their daughter and cease all contact with Kaden for six months. During this time, I became the only mom their son knew, transforming from stepmom to bonus Mom, and he went from stepson to bonus son again. In 2009, we reconnected with Ashlynn, sending Kaden for visits and requesting visits with Kylie, who had turned two by that point. Sadly, our efforts were not met in kind. Ashlynn told us she would not share her without paperwork to support their daughter’s return. Naively, we opted to modify the decree and upon our attorney’s advice filed for full custody. He said, She disappeared with your daughter and abandoned your son, so if you want visits, go for the most, so you can at least get the minimum or maybe even custody so the kids can live together. Although this advice may have been well intended, we now know that ensured our own path into the lockdown. Unintentionally, our act was construed as an attack upon Ashlynn, and thus the beginning of the war.

Deadly Sins

It was followed by a series of mediations, court meetings, attorneys and more. A month later she came again for another visit, and even though we were enjoying our new life with our family being reunited, it would soon be torn apart. It was the only way I could move past the pain. I had to allow life to just be, let go of the control, and let go of the desire to fully grasp all aspects of the whole situation. As to my personal trial, I’ve simply done my best to accept it and trust that this woman was in so much pain that she made a decision based on survival instincts alone, to do the only thing she knew would keep her from having to share her daughter again. Are you kidding me not now? After the Utah investigator closed the case as unfounded, Ashlynn nevertheless filed a restraining order in Arizona against me with regard to their daughter, even though I lived in Utah. This is when the physical lockdown began. I no longer answered my door, for fear of being served another paper. We stopped using the front door altogether. Years before, in the first phase of their custody battle over Kaden, Ashlynn had tried, to no avail, to take down Dustin through the court system. Because it failed with him, she knew the only way to cause the most damage was through me. She had a genius strategy and it worked to perfection.

Don't Believe Everything You Hear

Granted, she didn’t get custody of Kaden, but she also didn’t lose custody of Kylie. Blindly and naively, I continued to live my innocence and truth, right down to deciding not to get an attorney to represent me against the restraining order she requested in Arizona. I was so confident that the truth shall set you free and that love would prevail, that I went into court on my own. The moment I stepped into that courtroom, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. The attorneys even used my own term bonus Mom against me, claiming I was grooming Kylie. All I can say is that it was one of the pivotal moments in causing me to feel like a complete failure. But in this case, at this moment, the truth did not set me free. Instead, I locked away all of the good and alive parts of me. I existed merely because I had to. I became consumed by the injustice of it all. After three years of this hell, in 2013, Dustin and Ashlynn sat down for their final mediation and came to a final resolution on all matters. At that point, the custody evaluator cleared my name of any accusations they’d made.

The Thrill Is Gone

She even shared with us that the accusations were used by Ashlynn as a ploy to keep from having to share Kylie. Sadly, because their daughter had never had sufficient time with us to form a bond, the court determined that it would not be in her best interest to be in Dustin’s physical custody. On Thursday, January 10th, 2013, the day after mediation, I finally gave up and gave in. Why, after all those years of choosing to survive did I just decide not to try anymore? I opted for suicide. Writing each of my five children and husband a final letter goodbye, I did the unthinkable. I swallowed the bottle of pills. I awoke in the hospital, not understanding why I was still alive. I stayed there for three days, receiving love and support from the hospital staff. On the last day, they came to me and said, We found 0% trace of anything in your system. I do believe in miracles and I’ve come to know I’m one of them. I got on my knees for the first time in years and begged for His forgiveness, thanking Him for my life and saving me. I knew right a bigger purpose in store me, and that my life is a story to be shared and message delivered. I got up from that prayer and received a message as clear as day, You were never alone, dear child. In your toughest times, I carried you and held you close, even when you couldn’t see or feel me. I know it’s time to break the silence and not be ashamed, but be proud of my triumph over these trials. I learned to see through their eyes what I couldn’t see with my own. Most importantly, I learned to forgive myself and the role I played in my life. I look back at who I was then with compassion and forgiveness for giving up on my children, husband, and self.