You Know Better Now

Be proud that you’ve pushed the boundaries of love so far. You must be special. You must have a huge heart. For better or worse, personal charm and charisma isn’t likely to be as necessary in the future. Now you can just post something clever from your mom’s basement while still in your underwear. Times have changed in the ugly baby’s favor. Look how far you’ve come! It’s okay to feel something. I remember holding my daughter right after she was born and talking to her and realizing that she recognized me. She was reacting to my voice, familiar with me from her months in the womb. This tiny person is a receptacle for all your love, so much love that you didn’t even know you had, and you pour that love out and maybe that love gets secreted away into your child and is stored and then is available to love you back as this child grows, and so, in a way, we’re all a giant pot of love, I guess? Oh wow, look at that baby, I love you, and Here, take my seat, I’m getting off at the next stop. Maybe animal instinct is just love! Or am I just sleep deprived? Society is not so into grown men talking to children, especially if you own a van. But since you now have a child, it is time for you to remember how to talk to them.

Heroes Are Hard To Find

You can get good at this with just a little practice. Do kids hide behind their moms when you try to talk to them? It would be easy to write these children off as jerks, but we’re trying to get better at talking to kids, not make tiny enemies, right? Just accept that some kids will be shy or scared of you. It’s nothing personal. Plenty of other kids in the sea. Never give birth to a spider? I’d tell you to gradually work your way up from looking at pictures of spiders to meeting a spider in person in order to get over your fear. So, first of all, try talking to children. Not weirdly for no reason. But when there is a time that you might ordinarily avoid talking to kids, push yourself to say something to them. Try something banal that they can relate to. So act like a big dummy who doesn’t know anything. When they’re little, it’s adorable to hear their exasperation. Later, when they’re teens, not so much.

Hostile To The Commonplace

Enjoy messing with kids before they turn on you! Have you had a nice time at the zoo today? They aren’t always talking about my headshot. After all, most of these kids aren’t going to remember you later. What, are you going to be best friends with them? Get your head in the game. This is just about practicing how to relate to children. Be okay with failing a little. Is that Thomas the Tank Engine? Okay, I didn’t even care. Also, pretty sure that is Thomas, actually. As you step out into the street, arm in arm with your wife, a baby strapped to your chest, it’s almost as though you can hear the pan flutes, so honest in their celebration of the joyful spirit of man’s achievements and yet somehow still connected to this moment. You are just the latest generation to be so in love, so connected to each other and to your child and all the future that’s wrapped up in him. Of course, your mileage may vary. It’s not that this feeling is a lie. Sometimes you will be that couple.

People And Places

These are times to savor, friend. You will need these times to get through the rough patches. Make those pictures your phone wallpaper. But there isn’t a parent alive who wouldn’t admit that the first few months are incredibly hard. You’re tired, you’re unsure of yourself, and things are so exciting and weird and new. So give yourself a break. When your wife cracks out some bit of developmental trivia like, Oh, most babies roll over by now, that’s not just maternal instincts. Probably, but she seems to have that covered. Allow me to give you an irresponsible summary. Every baby is a little different, but roughly speaking, here’s some of what your newborn will be up to. Get in line, newborns. That weird little thing is now . I have all these wonderful videos from when my daughter started to be a truly interesting baby. I have her army crawling toward a really cool rusting croquet set that we hadn’t yet put safely away. But I couldn’t help myself. What a relief to finally have an interesting baby. It was all so totally amazing to see someone so deeply engrossed with their own toes who wasn’t my stoned college roommate. She’s clicked in with you. Think about how long it took you to learn how to use Twitter. And in the space of a few months, she’s smiling, rolling over. She’s some kind of genius or something. Why is the world still turning? Why isn’t everyone talking about tummy time? It’s actually pretty sad how closed other people’s hearts are to the wonders around them. Luckily, you know better now! Your baby is available to showcase your interests and be an adorable extension of your personal brand. Any schmo can slap a bumper sticker on his car or tweet a link to Deadspin. But only parents can unleash the fearsome cuteness of their babies in service of their favorite things. Is there anything as hardcore as a baby in a Minor Threat onesie? Who can get mad at a baby cop? If you ask me, we should only have baby cops. Babies can’t decide about their own clothing yet. Use this special time to ascribe your own tastes to your child. You’re not cool anymore! So luxuriate in this uncoolness and embrace it unironically. At least people will know you’re kind of a cool parent, as cool as parents get.