Belief That I Learned About Myself

Our focus is to identify our wound, to look at where it came from, and to connect to and heal the pain and fear that keep the thoughts and behaviors in place. It was as if there was a constant voice in her head that said, Whatever you do, don’t let them take their eyes off you! But wait, can’t she just keep searching until she finds a partner who will stay focused on her physical appearance? Sadly, it’s not that simple. You must continue to see me as most beautiful and never want more from me. Meanwhile, deep inside, her strongest conviction is While I know I am beautiful, I don’t have anything more to offer. If she unconsciously attracts a partner who is only interested in her appearance, she suffers the same pain as she did with her parents. If she attracts someone who genuinely wants to know her more deeply, she feels panic when this person no longer focuses on her beauty. This core wound literally left her with nowhere to turn. If this is all going on behind the scenes without us even realizing, how are we supposed to interrupt the pattern? The first thing is to remember that it’s not our partner’s job to fix us, and neither is it on us to find somebody who will miraculously understand us and know how to heal our wounds. Until we are able to do this, the patterns getting repeated in our relationships will continue to follow a very similar script. As time passes, a wound like Carrie’s may scab over. However, it will repeatedly be reopened in every intimate relationship, and soon she will simply grow accustomed to the pain. Even more tragic is that we are often drawn, as if by an energetic magnet, to reexperience these core wounds because a deep part of us believes them to be true.

Let Everything Happen To You

I am going to be abandoned. I will be rejected if I show my true self. I am going to be humiliated or embarrassed. I cannot trust others. I am not good enough. I have to work hard to earn love. I need people, but I can’t rely on them. It’s my job to keep other people happy. Other people are always taking from me. The world is an unsafe place. Bad things always happen to me. People only love me when I do well.

Day After Day

On a deeper level, her partners tend to be so devoted to success that she often feels lonely and abandoned when they focus back on their work lives. What qualities do your romantic partners tend to have in common? What is the common theme of how they treat you in relationships? However, these men are able to show up for her in the beginning but then get so wrapped up in their careers that their emotional lives come second. They are never available for important conversations and don’t know how to talk about their feelings. Where are the gaps in your communication with your partners? What do you not feel free to express? What goes unheard when you do express it? What are the negative feelings you repeatedly experience in your relationships? Travel back in time. Carrie’s mother was very beautiful and valued her appearance, and her father was an accomplished lawyer who focused almost exclusively on his work. She basically got praise and love for her looks, and no one spent time really helping her learn more about her whole self. She even remembers a time when they told her, Don’t worry, honey, you’re so beautiful you will never have a problem finding a boyfriend. As a result, she often felt torn between admiration for them and sadness that she felt empty inside. This pointed to a core abandonment wound that she could see had continued to play out in her relationships, leading to the belief that People only value me for my appearance and end up leaving me. What was lacking in the caregiving you received as a young person? Can you remember a specific incident when you experienced this? What do you feel in your body when you touch into this experience? What belief or beliefs about how you receive love may have stemmed from this? How do your relationships today reflect what you experienced in childhood? So that you can get really clear on how your core childhood wounds continue to play out in your intimate relationships, create a chart to track them. First, write down any core wounds you have identified, along with any beliefs connected to them. Next, describe how you first experienced each of them in childhood.

Breaking Down Barriers

Finally, record the ways they have been reactivated in your adult relationships. Here’s an example from Carrie’s chart. I will always get left. I tend to attract lots of men but none of them want to get to know me. In order to learn from past relationships, take some time to think about how you respond when a core wound gets touched or activated. For example, do you tend to run and hide, or react with an emotion like anger or sadness? Carrie’s abandonment wound is merely an example. Maybe your parents had money troubles and borrowed money from your summer job to help pay the bills. This could result in a pattern whereby you attract partners who are jobless, broke, and reliant upon you for security, reinforcing the belief that you must provide financial security for somebody to love you. Maybe you always push people away three months into a relationship because your core wound says no one is trustworthy. Or perhaps you cling desperately to your relationships long after it becomes clear they aren’t working since your core wound is a terror of being alone. Even awareness can help in the meantime, since you will be more likely to sense when it is time to slow down and focus on healing rather than push ahead in a new relationship. Susan feels upset and unappreciated.