Life's Most Fulfilling Experiences

More and more, you will be able to respond consciously when big feelings are activated in your relationships rather than reacting from a sympathetic state. In addition, you will also learn the importance of connecting with available supportive people in your life today. As a result, you will begin to feel a sense of safety inside your own body that you may never have experienced before. This in turn will help you stay in the ventral state of connection for longer even in the midst of experiences that would have once sent you over the edge. Over time, and with practice, the new connections in your nervous system will strengthen so that even when you feel yourself going into sympathetic arousal, a part of you will be able to simply observe your rapid heartbeat or your tightening belly. This is another surefire sign that rewiring is happening. Eventually, you will even find that your thoughts mirror the changes in your nervous system. It begins with the story that our partner is solely responsible for making us feel safe and loved. As a psychotherapist, I assist couples and individuals working through interpersonal hardships. And while it is possible to find true happiness in an intimate relationship, it is crucial to understand that this happiness together primarily comes from first gaining intimacy with ourselves and developing a new sense of what loving relationships really feel like. But, of course, we’ve been taught the opposite. If you have an anxious attachment style, the idea that I’m lucky to have him can also result in clinging to the first relationship that comes along, regardless of whether it’s right for you or not.

Stuck Inside A Cloud

My work in cases such as this is to help my clients look honestly at their relationships to see if they have subscribed to the fantasy that their partner is there to save them and, in doing so, have lost their connection to and trust in themselves. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to marry the person you love. It can be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences. However, I believe that as a society we tend to put too much emphasis on marriage as the ultimate goal or the solution to our problems. In fact, outsourcing our sense of security to another person via a legal contract can be a barrier to us going within ourselves to do the real work of establishing our own sense of safety and stability. Often, years after the wedding, a client will come into my office and tell me why she really decided to get married. Many tell me they got married because they wanted to have a child. Others say they were getting older and felt it was now or never. Factors like these lead many people to jump into marriage with a deep sense that it may not be for the right reasons. Often in hindsight, clients admit to all the red flags they saw, as well as how their intuition was actually sending them strong messages that this union wasn’t feeling right. Another common belief is that marriage is the key to lifelong love. Besides the fact that close to fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, we must realize that not all relationships are supposed to last forever.

The Take Off and Landing of Everything

The majority of our relationships, including our close friendships, are meant to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves so that we can continue to grow and evolve as individuals. Seen this way, any need to be certain about how things will play out becomes less concerning. It’s more important to be in the moment with each other and to truly honor the gifts each person brings. What if, instead of a ring and a proposal, the quality of a relationship is measured by the growth you both experience within the union and how you grow as a couple? This happens when you feel safe enough with that person to be on your own at times, connecting to your inner and social resources, and then return with new energy to bring into the relationship. Two people have found a sense of home within themselves and have come to terms with who they are, accepting their flaws and understanding their needs, they can begin to build an external home together. When you are in a naturally committed relationship, based on a mutual desire to support each other’s growth and develop interdependency, marriage becomes less of a destination and more of a progression. You will also feel the relief of growing with someone in a safe and sustainable way. The sense of safety and mutual acceptance behind the marriage agreement are more important than the agreement itself. In intimate relationships, we are connected to our partner with an energetic cord and with what are called mirror neurons, which means that the feelings, moods, thoughts, fears, and actions of each individual are shared. These originate within one partner, the other is able to sense them. We might feel stressed when our husband is nervous about his job, or get a fit of giggles when our partner starts to laugh. This is a natural function of our ability to feel empathy, an important way we are connected with each other emotionally.

Come To My Aid

These circuits for resonating with others are often highly developed in those with an anxious attachment style because we had to spend so much time and energy tracking parents who weren’t able to stay consistently connected to us. Empathy can be simply defined as an ability to feel what others are feeling, to the point that we can pick up on, and even feel, the energy, moods, and thoughts of others. It can be a blessing to be this sensitive. It’s how we connect, how we nurture, and what makes us a good friend. Empathetic gives us compassion, and helps others feel seen, understood, and that they are not alone. It’s what makes me a caring therapist! But it can become a burden if it is not harnessed.